a shell of my former shell

not being in a relationship has given me a lot of time to look into myself, introspection if you will. i'm really not happy with what i've found, which is nothing. void. there is nothing to me. everything about me is contextual. it could be argued that's society, that's all humans. but i feel like maybe thats not true. i used to reach out, a lot. but then it just feels like i am being used. i feel cheated and pushed aside, and the only agenda the other party has is their own enjoyment. sometimes i am that other party it would seem. and this is my life. a series of missed connections or one-sided ones. its not one train wreck after another, more like a constant needing to repair the infrastructure and the occasional low-speed, small-car-count derailment with minimal casualties when the repairs weren't up to snuff.

what the fuck is that? thats no way to look at life. ok. so life is a gift. a beautiful gleaming shiny turd from god. great. its pretty clear that I am insignificant. its pretty clear that most everything's meaning is only derived from norms and conditions. everything is memetic, no one is anybody. well that's pretty reductionist, isn't it? yes, yes it is. but prove me wrong. show me. anybody show me whats the fucking point of a sunset or raindrop or Model T Ford. To what end will this continue?

seems like there's just nothing to me any more. having nearly accomplished everything an adult is supposed to do in life, I feel empty. this is the part where you guys say, "get a hobby, Phil."

fuck that.

What am I supposed to do? Exercise? Take care of myself? Why. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't care what you think I look like or how healthy you think I am. It is becoming increasingly apparently I am beginning not to care for myself. I just want to be lazy and do nothing. Its not that I'm being directly neglectful of myself, but I just don't know what to do in life anymore. It seems so pointless.

I don't want to volunteer, I've never gained satisfaction from helping complete strangers. I don't have any passion or causes to fight for, unless "sitting around not doing anything" needs some sort of boost, because you know, I could really get the word out on that one. Hey guys, stop what you're doing and just sit around. Shut. Down. Everything.

well. I don't know. I take pride in my work, I suppose. But that only gets me so far. What do I do at the end of the day? Bitch and moan. Whine and complain. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at.

i remember back to spring of 2008. I remember a bright future, a promise in the distance. A hope. A warm sun on a soft face. A life full of life. A LEGO model torn asunder and rebuilt as a triumphant phoenix. Evangeline. a small victory. where are my small victories now?