a shell of my former shell

not being in a relationship has given me a lot of time to look into myself, introspection if you will. i'm really not happy with what i've found, which is nothing. void. there is nothing to me. everything about me is contextual. it could be argued that's society, that's all humans. but i feel like maybe thats not true. i used to reach out, a lot. but then it just feels like i am being used. i feel cheated and pushed aside, and the only agenda the other party has is their own enjoyment. sometimes i am that other party it would seem. and this is my life. a series of missed connections or one-sided ones. its not one train wreck after another, more like a constant needing to repair the infrastructure and the occasional low-speed, small-car-count derailment with minimal casualties when the repairs weren't up to snuff.

what the fuck is that? thats no way to look at life. ok. so life is a gift. a beautiful gleaming shiny turd from god. great. its pretty clear that I am insignificant. its pretty clear that most everything's meaning is only derived from norms and conditions. everything is memetic, no one is anybody. well that's pretty reductionist, isn't it? yes, yes it is. but prove me wrong. show me. anybody show me whats the fucking point of a sunset or raindrop or Model T Ford. To what end will this continue?

seems like there's just nothing to me any more. having nearly accomplished everything an adult is supposed to do in life, I feel empty. this is the part where you guys say, "get a hobby, Phil."

fuck that.

What am I supposed to do? Exercise? Take care of myself? Why. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't care what you think I look like or how healthy you think I am. It is becoming increasingly apparently I am beginning not to care for myself. I just want to be lazy and do nothing. Its not that I'm being directly neglectful of myself, but I just don't know what to do in life anymore. It seems so pointless.

I don't want to volunteer, I've never gained satisfaction from helping complete strangers. I don't have any passion or causes to fight for, unless "sitting around not doing anything" needs some sort of boost, because you know, I could really get the word out on that one. Hey guys, stop what you're doing and just sit around. Shut. Down. Everything.

well. I don't know. I take pride in my work, I suppose. But that only gets me so far. What do I do at the end of the day? Bitch and moan. Whine and complain. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at.

i remember back to spring of 2008. I remember a bright future, a promise in the distance. A hope. A warm sun on a soft face. A life full of life. A LEGO model torn asunder and rebuilt as a triumphant phoenix. Evangeline. a small victory. where are my small victories now?

long overdue rant of self-evaluation.

Status Report:

Work:
I've been working as Quality Assurance Engineer for over a year now. I like the job. I do. It always seems to be the people that get me. Always. Things that upset me the most are other people. Always. Seriously, how fucking hard is it to shower every other day. Look, I understand, maybe you're allergic to deodorant or whatever, but seriously, man, you fuckin' smell terrible. And it makes me uncomfortable. Ugh. I feel so agitated by this.

I wish I was able to do something else in the company. I really want this to be my long-term career employer. I'd like to move into UX/IA... but I don't really know much. I find I lack the motivation to take on personal projects or independent study regarding advancing myself in UX, because its such a specialized skill. What would I do? Go make random wireframes? Do user persona testing and creation for the hell of it? I don't know what to do. I was really banking on an internal "intern" position in UX, but I brought nothing to the table. I had things to bring to the table, but I didn't know how to present them. Whatever. I'm sure I'll get something sorted out here eventually. In the mean time I'm just doing what I do, and loving it.

Friends/social life:
Today I realized something. Most of my friends and people I hang out with and socialize the most are people I've known since I was very young, or for many years. This can be a challenge to people that are shy who are uncomfortable in the context of what at first appears to be a tightly knit group of people. I haven't defaulted on the friend's I choose to spend time with. I suppose realizing this challenge, I often find that I distance myself my from my friends, for fear of their rejection of new people I meet. Maybe I need to reevaluate things.

I want to meet my other. I want to meet someone amazing. I want to meet someone who understands me. I want to meet someone I can understand. I want connection. Look at this long list of things I want.

I in no way find this selfish. I don't even feel entitled to meeting someone like this. Well, I do, but I counter that with pseudo-statistics about how the perfect matches are anomalous. I hate meeting people in bars. I hate knowing that most of my friends aim is not to find a relationship, they are already in one or just want to fuck.

I don't know. I'm sick of that. I feel like I am over that. I don't know what to do. I don't want to compromise. I don't know what steps to take to move forward on this one. I have crippling anxiety/shyness sometimes.

Hobbies/freetime:
I need to exercise more. I have a big camping trip coming up at the end of June. I am going to start walking and jogging amongst other exercise to get ready for a 5 day BWCA trip. It'll be different, I'm pretty excited and a little nervous. I feel like this trip will be a good opportunity to do something different. To be out in the wilderness. Roughing it. Sometimes, I have my reservations about the company I will be in, namely my dad, but we'll see. He's generally good people, I just don't know what to expect spending 5 days straight with him, his friend and his friend's son. I've met all of them before, and we get a long well enough, I had last thanksgiving dinner with them.

I've been spending way too much time playing videogames again. I just love videogames, though. C'est la vie.

Things I need to get done:
I got this totally bullshit traffic violation in that suburban waste of space called Apple Valley. I guess the police there are bored to tears, and instead of pulling over drunk drivers, would quicker pull over fast food patrons in private property for taking short cuts into parking lots. Seriously? Whatever.

Anyway I need to get photos of the scene of the citation and compile a defense for this ticket. I hope to leave court with just court fees. If I end up having to pay in more than the citation was originally for, I will be a less than happy camper.