whenever I was a child...

a shell of my former shell

2011-05-13T18:44:00.004-05:00

not being in a relationship has given me a lot of time to look into myself, introspection if you will. i'm really not happy with what i've found, which is nothing. void. there is nothing to me. everything about me is contextual. it could be argued that's society, that's all humans. but i feel like maybe thats not true. i used to reach out, a lot. but then it just feels like i am being used. i feel cheated and pushed aside, and the only agenda the other party has is their own enjoyment. sometimes i am that other party it would seem. and this is my life. a series of missed connections or one-sided ones. its not one train wreck after another, more like a constant needing to repair the infrastructure and the occasional low-speed, small-car-count derailment with minimal casualties when the repairs weren't up to snuff.

what the fuck is that? thats no way to look at life. ok. so life is a gift. a beautiful gleaming shiny turd from god. great. its pretty clear that I am insignificant. its pretty clear that most everything's meaning is only derived from norms and conditions. everything is memetic, no one is anybody. well that's pretty reductionist, isn't it? yes, yes it is. but prove me wrong. show me. anybody show me whats the fucking point of a sunset or raindrop or Model T Ford. To what end will this continue?

seems like there's just nothing to me any more. having nearly accomplished everything an adult is supposed to do in life, I feel empty. this is the part where you guys say, "get a hobby, Phil."

fuck that.

What am I supposed to do? Exercise? Take care of myself? Why. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't care what you think I look like or how healthy you think I am. It is becoming increasingly apparently I am beginning not to care for myself. I just want to be lazy and do nothing. Its not that I'm being directly neglectful of myself, but I just don't know what to do in life anymore. It seems so pointless.

I don't want to volunteer, I've never gained satisfaction from helping complete strangers. I don't have any passion or causes to fight for, unless "sitting around not doing anything" needs some sort of boost, because you know, I could really get the word out on that one. Hey guys, stop what you're doing and just sit around. Shut. Down. Everything.

well. I don't know. I take pride in my work, I suppose. But that only gets me so far. What do I do at the end of the day? Bitch and moan. Whine and complain. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at.

i remember back to spring of 2008. I remember a bright future, a promise in the distance. A hope. A warm sun on a soft face. A life full of life. A LEGO model torn asunder and rebuilt as a triumphant phoenix. Evangeline. a small victory. where are my small victories now?

long overdue rant of self-evaluation.

2011-05-09T22:22:00.007-05:00

Status Report:

Work:
I've been working as Quality Assurance Engineer for over a year now. I like the job. I do. It always seems to be the people that get me. Always. Things that upset me the most are other people. Always. Seriously, how fucking hard is it to shower every other day. Look, I understand, maybe you're allergic to deodorant or whatever, but seriously, man, you fuckin' smell terrible. And it makes me uncomfortable. Ugh. I feel so agitated by this.

I wish I was able to do something else in the company. I really want this to be my long-term career employer. I'd like to move into UX/IA... but I don't really know much. I find I lack the motivation to take on personal projects or independent study regarding advancing myself in UX, because its such a specialized skill. What would I do? Go make random wireframes? Do user persona testing and creation for the hell of it? I don't know what to do. I was really banking on an internal "intern" position in UX, but I brought nothing to the table. I had things to bring to the table, but I didn't know how to present them. Whatever. I'm sure I'll get something sorted out here eventually. In the mean time I'm just doing what I do, and loving it.

Friends/social life:
Today I realized something. Most of my friends and people I hang out with and socialize the most are people I've known since I was very young, or for many years. This can be a challenge to people that are shy who are uncomfortable in the context of what at first appears to be a tightly knit group of people. I haven't defaulted on the friend's I choose to spend time with. I suppose realizing this challenge, I often find that I distance myself my from my friends, for fear of their rejection of new people I meet. Maybe I need to reevaluate things.

I want to meet my other. I want to meet someone amazing. I want to meet someone who understands me. I want to meet someone I can understand. I want connection. Look at this long list of things I want.

I in no way find this selfish. I don't even feel entitled to meeting someone like this. Well, I do, but I counter that with pseudo-statistics about how the perfect matches are anomalous. I hate meeting people in bars. I hate knowing that most of my friends aim is not to find a relationship, they are already in one or just want to fuck.

I don't know. I'm sick of that. I feel like I am over that. I don't know what to do. I don't want to compromise. I don't know what steps to take to move forward on this one. I have crippling anxiety/shyness sometimes.

Hobbies/freetime:
I need to exercise more. I have a big camping trip coming up at the end of June. I am going to start walking and jogging amongst other exercise to get ready for a 5 day BWCA trip. It'll be different, I'm pretty excited and a little nervous. I feel like this trip will be a good opportunity to do something different. To be out in the wilderness. Roughing it. Sometimes, I have my reservations about the company I will be in, namely my dad, but we'll see. He's generally good people, I just don't know what to expect spending 5 days straight with him, his friend and his friend's son. I've met all of them before, and we get a long well enough, I had last thanksgiving dinner with them.

I've been spending way too much time playing videogames again. I just love videogames, though. C'est la vie.

Things I need to get done:
I got this totally bullshit traffic violation in that suburban waste of space called Apple Valley. I guess the police there are bored to tears, and instead of pulling over drunk drivers, would quicker pull over fast food patrons in private property for taking short cuts into parking lots. Seriously? Whatever.

Anyway I need to get photos of the scene of the citation and compile a defense for this ticket. I hope to leave court with just court fees. If I end up having to pay in more than the citation was originally for, I will be a less than happy camper.

been a while...

2010-01-22T19:07:00.004-06:00

it seems i am lacking an decent outlet for my anger as of late. today, i kind of flipped out at the guys at the sprint store, because i had bought a phone and plan, and it cost me $179... literally two days later, i see the exact same phone and plan for $99 at best buy. that's $80 difference.

before i went to the sprint store, i went to best buy mobile in the mall, to see if i could indeed get the same deal, first acting as if i wanted to buy a new plan and hadn't already blundered. i thought opening the conversation up with "so i hear you guys offer mall employees a discount" would be a good ice breaker, you know, expecting the response "oh yeah, where do you work?"

no, the guy got all defensive and immediately went to robot mode. fuck. this is why i couldn't be a con-man. this is why i would make a poor spy. i place my own trust in the wrong type of people. this is why i can't be an actor. this is why i can't become the president.

he first asked what I was looking for. ok. this guy isn't a salesman. my plan here was ruined. i couldn't get any straight answers from the guy, so i decided to let my guard down and appeal to him as the victim. "look, here's my problem, i already bought the phone, i came down here to see if i could get the same offers and waives as i did upstairs at the sprint store." this guy obviously wasn't on commission and had nothing to lose and only karma to gain for helping me out. no, turns out he was too fucking stupid to be of any help.

this guy was like "well, good luck." thanks. wait no. fuck you. you see at this point, i now knew what the cover-my-ass story was going to be from the guy at the sprint store. so i couldn't use the fact that i went down there and was offered the same deal to level with the sprint store guy--at least not in round one. he's probably been down there, he's probably met this robot best buy guy, and already has a case built against them.

so, i had to make some assumptions here. assumptions that had i went to best buy mobile, i wouldn't be offered the waived fees, i'd have to fight for them. fine, i can do that. i had to tell myself i could have got the mall discount, which i could have. i would have had to take the role of salesman if went to best buy mobile. knowing that, yes, $80 is worth the effort i would have put forward to get the same service as i did at sprint mobile. i have to keep this in mind. but its tough when you're angry.

i then i went to love from minnesota, to possibly seek council from whoever was working there, to get a guy in my ring, to get some back-up and justification after being dashed at best buy mobile. i had to regroup. i made them aware of my situation. one of them was helpful, one was not.

i was livid. absolutely livid. and for the record, if you ever encounter me when i am angry or upset about something i find unjust in this world, and then you tell me "i told you so," you've pretty much made my shit list. don't ever give me after-the-fact advice. the last thing i need to hear is something i didn't consider. its an insult to my ego. don't insult an angry man's ego.

its a bad start, and i haven't even made it to the sprint store yet to see if i had a case. so, somewhat already defeated, i went there. i waited for the the guy that sold me the phone, he was with other customers. i thought out of respect, i would let him finish up. that was in vain. He gave a sorry cover-my-ass story; bullet-pointing why sprint store was the superior choice and attempting to justify the $80 difference by all the great service he gave me. right then and there i wanted to punch the guy in the face. but i took it like a yes-man, i was flabbergasted, he wasn't going to level with me. i felt even more cheated now. and i left VERY bitter. i wasn't prepared for this at all. well, i was, just i hadn't expected to turn to shit so fast, i honestly thought my first try was going to succeed and i could get a $80 credit applied to my first bill, or at least thrown a bone.

i was prepared to return the entire deal and take the $35 hit for the restock fee. its a matter of principle at this point. i was cheated out of $80. i was signed up for something (phone insurance) i didn't even ask for, nor was even told about as an option--though i was going to let that slide on account that i would be getting a monthly discount.

i went back to the car to grab the materials i needed to make the return. i stopped off again at love from minnesota to regroup. i had to repackage my phone in the box and get everything in order. i was ready to lose it at the sprint store. i was ready to tell them not only had they lost one customer, me, but they had lost well over five, and everyone i know would hear about this, and they would be shit out of luck. i was ready to talk to every customer in the sprint store and tell them best buy mobile had better deals and undermine their entire operation that day. i was ready to "accidentally" spill a 32 oz fruit punch from taco bell all over their $500 smart phones--that or their fancy ass dress shoes, depending on how personal they wanted to be now... fucking salesmen.

i was betting on their training. i hoped as padawan learners, the sprint obi-wan taught salesmen the ways of the force, and how to diffuse a situation. it was a safe bet, because at the end of the day, all i had to lose was $35 and a phone for a few days. what i had to gain was standing up for a principle, and gaining the freedom of knowing that justice prevailed and i would not be cheated. i could sleep at night.

i have been pushed around enough by salesmen. its a double edged sword. people want to be sold on things. i know i want to be sold to, because then i assume less responsibility for the decision. but salesmen walk the fine line of selling to people, and taking them for a ride. maybe my definition of being "taken for a ride" differs from the employees at sprint because when I went back in there after leaving bitter and told them I want to return it all and they ask what's wrong and tell them i was "taken for a ride" they were offended.

well maybe they should be. i guess as a salesman, you have to live in denial, because often comes a time where you have to first sell yourself. that's why i can't be a salesman, i could never self myself the lies even the white ones. i couldn't sleep at night.

at this point i showed them the actual signage that i lifted from best buy and had now taped to my envelope with all my receipts in it.

after being talked down from my taken-for-a-ride-spiel, finally i was making some progress. i told them i wanted $80 credit, the difference between the prices, but i was willing to settle for $45, the difference minus the $35 restocking fee if that's what i had to do. i stood there as the manager or sales lead or whatever this guy is, talked to district manager to get approval. guaranteed $50, request for $80. i was happy. i was apologetic, because as the rage subsided, i realized these guys are just like me. they want to make a buck so they can take their girl out to nice places and wear nice shoes. they want to sleep at night just like me. i said sorry like 10 times before leaving the store. victory was bittersweet. but it was worth it.

somewhere else.

2009-09-25T04:19:00.004-05:00

if you could be anything you want i'd bet you'd be disappointed am i right?

I think back to times in the past. It seems the extremes are easiest to remember. The awesome and the terrible... and the terribly awesome. There are the times when I wonder "what was I thinking?" or "why wasn't I thinking..."

I think of things I wish I could forget. I had hoped with time their meaning would fade. But just the opposite happens. Sometimes I wish I never did such extreme things... "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

But there are some places you can never go back to. And why would I want to?

I am 25 years old and I am already longing to be young again? I'm not even old. Why am I lamenting over a life not yet lived? Something is very wrong here.

2009-09-08T19:26:00.001-05:00

http://tinyurl.com/krsnhk

for the better.

2009-09-07T05:19:00.003-05:00

there are some things that never leave my mind.

i wish these things would leave.

i don't believe i am the pinnacle of evolution because of these things.

i hope one day to achieve some clarity.

a satori before its too late.

a fine definition in the haze.

a departure from this malaise.

out there is something, or in me there is something. i hope whats out there meets whats in me. i hope its not violent. i hope its for the better.

fgsfds

2009-08-20T04:17:00.003-05:00

It's odd working a job where you have no real complaints about the work itself. sure, every workplace has that one guy that is a total dbag, but as far as work involved goes, I am as happy as a clam.

I don't have much time at home now, working 10 or 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, which in some respects, is good. I never leave work feeling unsatisfied. I never get home and think to myself "what a waste of a day." It is quite different from retail, where just about everything is terrible. The customers, corporate breathing down your neck, poor or underskilled management, slacker coworkers. Why does it have to be when someone works retail, the goal in that person's life seems to be how to burden others more. Ultimately, it makes everyone feel shitty. If everyone just did their fair share of work, without complaining or devaluing labor, retail would not be so bad.

Retail jobs are almost a direct byproduct of the consumerism that has engulfed western society. Nearly every retail employee is automatically the lowest form of life to every customer. Its no secret that everybody needs to shop, but it seems that retail has a disproportionate amount of assholes. Either there is a statistical incongruence, or people just let the worst out when shopping. And in a society where the majority of free time is spent shopping or doing activities directly related to or descendant of shopping, this is quite a social burden.

Take for example fast food. There is an extreme level of expectation because of the relative high price of fast food. If fast food became popularly rejected overnight, there would be a large influx of underemployed or unskilled laborers. I've always approached fast food with three tenets in mind; 1) I am paying for the convenience 2) I am paying for the image or entertainment and 3) I am paying for whatever (in most cases poor) nutrition in the food.

Now, if anyone of those three assumptions are unsatisfactorily fulfilled, the entire experience is terrible. I must enjoy fast food on those principles; the convenience is that "hey, I don't have to make my own food and its available on demand." its never the fact that I have to make fast food that comes to a grinding halt on its way to satisfaction, its the "on demand" portion. Waiting 10 minutes for Taco Bell is instantly comparable to waiting over an hour at sit down restaurant and begs the question "what could I have prepared in 10 minutes." The overall experience is terrible. 10 minutes, to most people, is 1/3rd (or 1/6th) of their break at work, etc. We have become accustomed to freely interchanging all labor across incongruent labor/time scales. 20 minutes of television becomes 1/3rd of what one might make in an hourly wage. But what is not seen is the exploded lineage of production of consumed products.

A careful examination of any single object currently within your current reach could undoubtedly take days to explain. The very keyboard I am typing on, with its various components, have factors so complex between the raw extraction of earth materials, processing of those materials, production of components and manufacturing of the unit itself (not to mention all accessory necessities in a consumer society; packaging, design, etc.) that it is boggling to the mind. Then to equate all that based on its retail price to some form of labor--its no wonder so many people adopt a structuralist approach to economics and thus mistakenly interchange trade value and human value.

It is our very inability to perceive the "goings ons" that lead us to reduce everything to labor.

well i forget where i was going with this... but it feels good to just vomit out some vague block of text no one will ever read. yep.

there is no two by four big enough to fit squarely along the upside of my head.

2009-08-10T05:45:00.001-05:00

its scientifically proven.

flock of wolverines.

2009-08-01T04:38:00.004-05:00

been a while since i've written. work keeps me busy. its going well, though I do draw weary of straw-for-brains, and even that isn't fair to scarecrows.

anyway i try not to think about the future. the graphics on my laptop are kaput. its going to be about $200-300 to fix--that is if it all it needs is a re-ball, otherwise its more :/

i gotta get it out the door sooner rather than later at this point.

how is it that i had missed all these great royksopp videos? beats me.

you said it, discredit.

2009-07-16T04:52:00.004-05:00

ok i saw something pretty sweet on tv today. i've never actually considered buying anything that i saw advertised on paid programming until today.

Kreg Jig

That looks awesome.

* pulls the plug.

tempting fate.

2009-07-03T14:18:00.003-05:00

so i started my new job at activision. i love it.

i had a dream last night. it was pretty real. there was a weird shark that looked more like a spanish dancer... and there was another like shark-man hybrid that could breathe air. it was wild.

i flipped a coin today, it was tails.

bretton woods II: electric boogaloo

2009-03-25T02:22:00.004-05:00

Call it conspiracy theory, whatever. But lets face the facts, what has Obama made good on his claims? Troops out immediately... 16 months... 23 months... maybe. We'll see.

Well, maybe when you have 2 hours of time, I'd watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAaQNACwaLw

Its pretty heavy on the conspiracy theory.... but it does a good job of amalgamating the steady stream of lies emanating from the Obama administration, as well as exposing dangerous new threats to American freedom, if we even know what that is anymore.

Its amazing really, to see how those in power can twist and contort such classic "institutions." I took micro/macro economics and comparative politics in college, and I still recall trying to understand the Federal Reserve. I've always known that it was a private organization, and for the most part hadn't really effected the middle class. Its only now, with the availability of low cost high volume internet broadcasting can such extreme criticisms be brought to the forefront. Memes.

I don't take everything ol' Jones spews as truth, as he is an ingenious producer, as he possesses probably 10 fold the skill and tact as michael moore... who really is just an idiot waxing. The obama deception plays on strong claims and straightforward wording that would immediately brand it as conspiracy theory, but if you disconnect all the dots that Jones has put together and look at them within their own context, you immediately sense how completely and easily fooled the american public is.

say Jones is right, and that Bildeberg is really behind all of this, and the plan does come to fruition and we are all taxed... maybe we deserve it. maybe we work best as slaves?

fat dumb and happy.

the problem with conspiracy theory on this grand of a scale is the audience reception--even if it is true, or probable, i fail to see how anyone would could organize against it.

i don't believe there is a centralized power at all, other than the political and economic technology itself. in the abstract.... the "machine" if you will.

riots.

now i am just waiting for toto to be spoofed with "Africom"

http://blogs.cfr.org/setser/2009/03/23/financial-de-globalization-illustrated/

"To put in in plain terms, Lehman’s collapse had a bigger impact on cross-border flows than 9.11. Compare q4 2008 to q3 2001.

The enormous withdraw of private US lending to the world was offset, in part, by a surge in US official lending to the world. It was just the Fed, not the Treasury, that did all the heavy lifting. "

cryguy.

2009-03-05T23:30:00.008-06:00

who hears crickets in February?
who walks under a moonlit sky without worrying so much about slipping, falling, or salt leaching?

when i do something, nobody asks why.
is it because they don't want to know the answer?
or is it because they are satisfied with their assumption?

in recent days have I lacked the will to create? or simply the means?

today i was watching "Man Made" on natgeo. it was the ferrari factory at maranello. one of the first things that came to mind is the absolute alienation of labor one must feel working at factory that makes cars that they will never be able to drive. it took until now (about 3 hours) to realize, as crazy as it sounds, not everyone would want to own or drive a ferrari.

those workers that sew together the leather that some piece of shit hedgefund kid stupid ass is gonna plop down in... they still take pride in a job well done. they are thankful some dumb billy goat yokel won the lottery... it pays the bills.

it took me hours to reach this conclusion... at that's what i'm getting at. i have a hard time putting myself in others' shoes sometimes. in this case though, it doesn't particularly matter, as in all likelihood the paths of ferrari owners, ferrari workers and myself will not cross, other than in the briefest of moments while i ring up their "I had a blast in Minnesota" shot glass.

i can't pick proper battles. i am easily distracted. I am EASILY distracted.

I got to thinking the other day... along the lines of... cyborgs and the techno-elitism of our culture. how, in our information society, is it that the completely ignorant benefit.... how do i explain...

well take for instance the following example--neuropharmacological drugs. i believe, in my brief experience with mild-altering drugs, some prescribed, some not, that they do not change who i am... they change how i operate. i forget who now, but someone had argued against fukuyama, whom makes the distinction between 'recreational' and 'therapeutic.' well... i ask this question: "is recreation not therapy for the chronically disengaged?"

at what point does recreation emerge? you see... easily distracted... i am wrapped up constantly in semantics before i can elaborate and build a foundation for an argument. this i feel, results in nearly all of my communication appearing to be pure sophistry to me. talk about depressing.

how do i fix this? is it broken? i don't even know.

the rantings of a mad man... or the maddening of a ranting man?

64-bit endeavors...

2009-03-04T00:43:00.004-06:00

So, i put ubuntu on my laptop, its pretty interesting. i'm dual booting with vista 64. its alright. hl2 64-bit native is pretty neat. i never played HL2 single playing through the end until the last couple days, and I must say, what a disappointing end. Then i remembered that episode 1 and 2 were continuation of the storyline... at this point i should probably just buy the orange box. at least that way I get portal and tf2. i'll sleep on that one. right on.

now onto serious matters. i need to finish up school. i just can't get motivated. what should I do?

Should i continue at the U of M? Is that realistic? It'd be the quickest, but is it what I want? Should I look into another path? I don't know where to even begin. I didn't like Hennepin Tech back when i was 16-17... but I also had my head up my ass then. Normandale doesn't really offer what I want. I don't know what to do at this point. Perhaps going back to the University is best, though I feel I will get lost again there. I've been meaning to pick up a second language on my own here, and then see if i can't test out of the language requirement that would be hanging over my head to get my geography B.S.

But what rewarding career awaits me out there?

I was told a helpful tool in helping myself now is envisioning me at say... age 50. What would I say to myself now as a 50 year old? What do I tell 24 year old phil. What should he do?!

Maybe that's not so helpful. how do i galvanize here? i feel so... lethargic. so... indolent. of course not slothful enough to avoid ellipsis... but you might notice a severe lack of capitalization and proper grammar--that is okay.

I need to reformat/reinstall my tower. I am thinking of putting kubuntu on it, or something, not sure.

What shall I do with a life turned to memory?

things are things.

2009-01-28T02:55:00.002-06:00

space police 2009? Who called it?

things man... things. i don't even know. things are... wonky... wonky at best. fuck a duck.

yeah.... betamaxmas.

meh

2008-12-30T08:50:00.003-06:00

i haven't wrote about dreams in a while, so i will do so now. Last night I had a dream about some new LEGO product that was coming out--they had brought back 3 of my favorite themes, Ice Planet 2002, UFO and something that kind of looked like Space Police II/Unitron/Spyrius mixed with exo-force. This time UFO was called UNCON and Ice Planet was released under some Mars misnomer, probably to build on the LEGO's fictitious legacy of Life on Mars and mars mission. Dear LEGO, forget Mars already. kthx, Phil. I want to know who's bright idea is to involve Mars with everything LEGO... can't we move onto to something more solid like one of Jupiter's moons... Titan sounds WAY cooler than Mars. I associate Mars with the likes of candy bars and a defunct audio gear/musical instrument retail outfit. Furthermore, Mars was the Roman god of war... okay whatever.

Anyways these new sets were pretty freakin awesome. I was discussing them with the old and LEGO crew and Alex was complaining about how one of the space ship sets was a complete rip off of some earlier Star Wars set and its only difference was some module in the middle and the shape of the cockpit glass.

fgsfds

2008-12-25T01:47:00.002-06:00

its been a while. yeah.

i don't really know what to say.

where do i go from here? i guess i just don't care enough to write here anymore. nothing exciting. and that can be dangerous.

its been over a month

2008-10-10T00:10:00.002-05:00

well, its been over a month since i've been back. let's see here... well. i'm at love from minnesota still and i am officially a closer. wow. how accomplished I feel. not really. but i am still thankful to even have a job right now.

i am reminded of why I left minnesota, and why i came back--often simultaneously. Its a bit a confusing.

a customer asked me the other day, "What is Minnesota known for?"

my reply was: Passive aggressiveness, bad drivers, snow...

i was trying to be sarcastic and funny, but i think they saw past that and that even beyond the sarcasm I was being honest. i've been told that sarcasm means to strip off the flesh... Greek... sarkasmos.

I think that is reading too much into it, as today I was talking to John and he was discussing his experience as an English tutor to Chinese speaking students... one of the students was trying to describe what one would say to someone who had missed an appointment or engagement without warning the next time they see them. The literal translation was "You released my pigeon."

I can only imagine "how stripping off the flesh" could relate to a taunt or jeer... kind of like... skin off my back... etc.

Maybe I should have been an Etymologist.

an entirely different note.. the new facebook login splash page is goofy lookin.

is

ren fest

2008-09-28T23:45:00.002-05:00

so today I went to the Renaissance Festival for the first time. It was awesome. I got to do and enjoy a lot of things I've never done before. Drank mead, watched jousting and fire breathers, it was a blast. I really enjoy spending time with Caitlin, it seems like things I would be unsure about enjoying seem simply amazing. Anyway, that's all the update I have for now.

2008-08-13T02:24:00.002-05:00

no news is good news.

hello austin.

2008-07-07T03:12:00.004-05:00

Its been a week almost now here in Austin, and I must say its rather awesome. I am still looking for a part time/temp job until I can get hired at DMI, but I am staying positive. Perhaps I am infatuated with the novelty of this place, but it just seems so surreal--everything is unicorns and rainbows and shit... no but really I can't wrap my head around it yet.

Not everything is so pleasant here, but things are getting better, I should have a bike soon enough, which should cut down on the 20 minute walk time to the bus stop. I haven't actually rode the bus yet, but I am looking forward to reacquainting myself with bicycles. I should also become familiar with sun block, i don't want to be a crispy critter the first week I am out n about.

I'm thinkin about starting a new blog... like one you might actually read, you know? It will still have that sarcastic witty charm everyone enjoys... but it will probably on average be like 50x happier than any depressing stuff I wrote in minnesota... man that place just sucks. But I guess I had to go through 23 years of that to prepare me for this, right? Maybe I'm not even ready for this yet, but I will be soon enough.

New life has been breathed into me... its not just being here in Austin, finally, though, but more on that later.

That quest... that rampage... that thing I was searching for... I'm pretty sure I've found it.

I'm going to miss this place...

2008-06-24T02:08:00.001-05:00

well, the days are ticking down... i am going to finish writing this later... sleep now.

classic view

2008-06-09T22:35:00.005-05:00

one thing has bothered me with every microsuck operating system post windows 95... and that is explorer's "classic view." the whole thing seems rather contrived. like, pretty much everyone i know uses classic view and turns off all the bells and whistles. classic view.... it just seems like such an odd thing.

so i downloaded a sunbird beta... is it just me or is it completely useless? i can't seem to add any events or do anything with it...

you know what i find entirely banal? aim buddy icons that emulate aim 2.0 buttons. first of all, who the fuck is still using AIM? its just not clever anymore... nor do i think it was ever clever. its obnoxious. it's the equivalent of wearing urban camouflage in a corn field. no good can come from it.

some days i miss windows 2000 professional. i had something like 153 days uptime on my tower at home back in 2001, for a windows desktop machine, i don't think that is too bad.

"this bag is not a toy" -- i know this is beating a dead horse... but seriously... the more i see this the more i wonder who started using bags as a toy? is it a safety catch-phrase? like... "only you can prevent forest fires" ? the whole thing sounds sarcastic and condescending... how come other things that are obviously not a toy are not labeled as such? and what toys out there could one confuse with a plastic bag? further more... how many toys out there are meant to be pulled over one's head that could be confused with a plastic bag? i think i'm gonna start a toy company that sells plastic bags. of course these bags will be breathable AND practical. You can put your head and other stuff in them! On the side it will say "THIS BAG IS A TOY!" and finally all those bags that aren't toys and labeled as such will be justified in their printed warnings. After the wild success of the Toy Bag, I will introduce crib liners... pillow cases... baseball caps... scuba gear... It will be amazing.

If i had a production company... i think i'd name it "Sophistreet"

solid state technology

2008-06-09T01:01:00.003-05:00

there I was... I was sitting there inhaling the sweet aroma of a favorite brew, surrounded by a soggy cold air that was unwilling--it wasn't going to let me forget for a moment.

and here's the thing. i am going to texas, i am buying my ticket on wednesday and there is no turning back at that point.

i realize there are people that don't understand why i am leaving. well to them i say i don't understand why garfield likes lasagna.

i dunno. i feel like people are asking me to explain to them the reasons why i am leaving... then i remember i am in minnesota... is it their passive aggressive way of saying they will miss me?

well i tell you what i won't be missing, this midwest disease. this politically correct air. buh.

i find it ironic that my last job in minnesota is at a store called minnesota bound--a tourist trap full of tchotchkes and trinkets... trivets and trifles. it is a microcosm of so many things i despise and simultaneously enjoy. i can't help but think of natalie's family and their cabin while working there. when i see raven, i can't help but think of lilly, their black lab that lost a fight with a car out in front of their house. the whole store is just minnesota... it really is. cheesy puns on t-shirts... shot glasses... i just don't get it. full-circle, the whole thing is really... apropos...

i've got several theories surrounding my hasty and reckless departure...

1) self challenge
can i make this work? i think so. plus, i've become too comfortable here with my situation, people let me get away with too much... or more specifically too little. i am terribly under employed. connections are failing left and right.
2) embracing possible transient nature
am i like my mom? i dunno probably. i just know i don't want to be like my dad.
3) shock value
let's face it, i get a kick out of shocking people. is it sadistic? you tell me.
4) fresh start
i kind of flushed minnesota down the toilet last summer/fall. my family is fed up with me. most of my friend's are fed up with me. i'm pretty much doing everyone here a favor. i'm probably a lot easier to enjoy at a distance...

issues i have here are issues i will have there. things that are going to follow me...
1) character flaws
everyone's got at least one; misanthropy, distrust, lust, etc...
2) depression
i'm not sure the cause of this depression, or my self
3) social anxiety
meeting people is easy? sure that is easy, getting them to talk to you for more than 30 seconds... thats a whole 'nother story

i'm terribly reserved, and i'm okay with that. my standards are pretty high. my bitter sarcasm and randomly sharp wit are a bit much. dry humor and occasional elitism.

will i meet a worldly petite feisty number with a sci-fi fetish that's a sucker for animal crossing and drinks coke w/grenadine? who knows... maybe my timing will be better this time? the numbers here aren't very good. its cold here. everyone's all paired up... commiserating and disgusting. banal.

well i need to finish this brew and hit the hay. early morn' you know?

you kill me

2008-05-30T17:22:00.005-05:00

h.a.l.t.

i'd say 95% of the time i am at least 2 of the 4--hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired. what does that say about me? if i'm at work, i'm probably hungry and tired. when i'm at home i'm angry and lonely. and in between these places i'm any combination of.

who wants to deal with that? not me, and certainly no one else. i think its a useless mnemonic. how does one stop being bitter and resentful?

i have not been inspired at all lately. i remember there were times when i'd have an idea, or i'd just sit down behind paint shop pro and just mull out some idea as its being created and put it into pixels. i wouldn't second guess anything, i'd just plop something down. if i began to second guess it, i'd abandon the file completely, most likely to never return to it.

to call for hands of above
to lean on
wouldn't be good enough
for me, nah....

there comes a time when everything i hear i take personally... i mean, some things just appear uncannily apropos. is that my own twisted mind making something out of nothing? is it something subconsciously planted a priori? does it matter?

i mean, i have an exact feelings and exact ideas that are not transmutable. so how can i be so sure of something and so unable to express or convey to anyone else what it is?

there are a few things i am sure of and it is easy to express: i am broken and i don't know how to be fixed. i'm impatient, i am to anxious to make anything work.

i feel like i am lying to myself, but i don't know what about. what could i possibly be deceiving myself about? readiness? how does anyone know if they are ready until they do what they were ready to do and find out they were or not? its not readiness. eagerness? believe me i am eager to leave.

this isn't helping.

this time we're positive.

master of none

2008-05-19T02:26:00.002-05:00

today i freaked out just a little. i dunno. i'm really starting to get sick of this town, but not sick enough to start packing my stuff yet. i need more money before i can move. this is frustrating.

the stupid fucking washing machine is broke still. all my work clothes are in one load right now, and i don't know how to get the damn thing to drain when it won't cycle through. fucking stupid shit. fuck. this is exactly what i won't have to deal with when i move. sure i'll have other problems, many new ones... but for fuck sake i won't have to put with two of the laziest people i know (myself and my dad). i should be grateful? i dunno so much anymore. its times like this i wish people didn't care about me, because frankly, i don't give a fuck about people. i give just enough so i can go to sleep at... wait a second, i don't even sleep at night. well what the fuck ever. take a seat. sit the fuck down.

i don't even feel like creating anymore. i don't want to write, or draw, or do anything. i just want to take directions. i just want to be lazy. this place sucks. a lot. i know i know, place is what you make it.... but now that i have all the loose ends sufficiently tied up, i'm done here. i'm ready to go. infact, all my shit in my basement, i don't even care if it gets tossed, i really don't. throw it in the garbage, i don't care. i just don't want to hear it.

place isn't always what you make it. place makes you, too. and this equation is way the fuck out of balance and i don't know how else to remedy it except to move on. don't get me wrong, twin cities is fantastic... for about 10 days out of the year. the rest is for deer carcasses and blaze orange assholes. go drive your ford into a lake, buddy.

applebee's recap

2008-05-13T02:11:00.002-05:00

logically, since the other blog doesn't link back to this one, the logical place to write about both of them would be here.

now that that is out of the way...

you know, i was going to write something here, i forget what though. all i can think about is major league 3.... ugh. such a clear mind is probably a good thing. no qualms today. no great griefs. no quips, jests, jeers, sharp remarks, etc.

you know, i just got a ringing in my ear... and every time that happens i think "it's like their swan song (...) you'll never hear that frequency again. enjoy it while it lasts."

i do enjoy it now. its like spending money, or breaking bottles. except you can make more money, and buy new bottles.

checking out

2008-05-09T01:29:00.002-05:00

I have come to a realization. Well, I came to it a while ago. About a year ago is when I checked out, the past 12 months has been one big ordeal leading up to this. Rate of exploitation E = S(L + S)^-1

It was mid-February of last year, and thats when the slide began. It was right about the time I became simultaneously interested and REALLY sick of Marx/Marxism. Basically, in ecological Marxism it is the politicized nature of conditions of production that becomes the barrier to capitalist functions.Now it seems being "Green" is the new trend--but does it give validity to the argument that ecological Marxism presents?

I would argue yes and no. On the surface and from my conspiracy theorist point of view is that companies aren't really going green, but they are dancing on the line with environmental regulations and have launched massive PR efforts to convince everyone they are green--who knows, maybe its to prepare for when they really are? I digress, the question remains: what secondary and tertiary factors are large (and small) firms evaluating to determine the viability and sustainability of their practices? Well, I would bring into question the oil companies first of all, they are reaping LARGE profits?
My theory is that perhaps its an attempt to line their pockets, to be the last one standing. The
last one standing then, and only then, to protect their reign finally unveils their magical "Green" bullet they've been hiding all along, that or they purchase it from defunct companies.

The second theory is that these companies are relying on the exportation of poor conditions of production to export processing zones and "free trade zones."

Okay... this is about the part where I lose interest in all of this. This is the part where I say "man, this is a bunch of bullshit, who cares? people out there already know all of this, and they have either validated it or invalidated, either way its not the decision of one firm, since there are competing firms. No one large company in any industry is going to 'take one for the team'"

It all seems so futile. The fact is I don't care about "surplus value drain" or "flows in capitalism" or the "viability of external nature." I just don't. I don't care how corporations or big wigs go about their business. I don't care about any of that. At the end of the day, environmental destruction is entirely subjective and whether crisis exists or not within our economic framework is of no direct consequence to me. The fact is there are large uncontrollable forces at work that can be described in some social theories... but they are just that--theories. Sometimes they are good, often they are debatable.

Concrete or abstract? Heavy or light? I just don't care. I checked out a long time ago. Last semester I wrote semi-brilliant papers at a whim. Now I can't even get out of bed when I wake up. Things just don't hold my interest. I feel dead inside.

Last spring, there was a camaraderie I had amongst fellow geography undergraduates. We'd talk bullshit, throw back a few brews at Town Hall, and this connection and talk in the halls made me feel like I was a part of something. Something important was happening, even if it wasn't important to anyone else, I was at least plugged in with my peers. When they all graduated, I didn't have it. I didn't have the same connections. I didn't care enough about the subjects myself, but I liked being able to sound 'scholarly' and be part of something. That summer I needed something, I needed to belong, I wasn't self-actualized and I was heavily dependent on others for validation. I sought it in the best places I could at the time, which happened to be the fairly intelligent or at least pseudo-intellectual crowd surrounding Donovan. I drew a large rift between Natalie and myself during this period. Whenever I tried to have a conversation with her, I would often dominate, unknowingly, and she would often comment on how I steered the conversation and 'talked down to her.' I never meant to talk down to her--there just wasn't much we shared in common any more; especially in our educational endeavors.

I checked out. I was spent. I was cut open and bleeding bad, I had bled out and hadn't a care in the world, except for what was RIGHT IN MY FACE. I was done. I didn't pursue a potentially important internship at Best Buy. I made a lot of regrettable mistakes. I haven't accepted my life's transitory trajectories... eventually I will have to. Rome wasn't built in a day... but more importantly it wasn't built in one direction, either. I might have to do some zigzagging. A few short months ago I held a very firm philosophy... that whatever I was doing at any given moment was the optimal use of my time. That naive philosophy worked for the short time I needed it to, but it has obviously broke down somewhere a long the line and now I need to find something new.

How do I go from having something that works well to it completely being destroyed. I mean, I honestly believed that I was doing my best all the time and that was giving me peace of mind. What happened there? Why don't I feel or believe that anymore? Its not like my life was mistake free during this period. It only took two speeding tickets and a parking ticket to confirm again that my life was worthless. I was another burlap sack with a money sign on it to the government, and my friends only like me because I put on a good show.

The fact is I feel like.. well.. have you ever seen a peach pit? You know a dark hard wrinkled organic mass, with the potential over time in the right conditions to become much much more than a sweet fruit, but an entire fucking tree. I am so searching for some good soil, for some good rain and nice sunshine. But you see, unlike the peach pit, which is at the whim of its consumer, I have a little more control. But I don't want that control... I want to be planted or cast aside already. I don't like being held on to. Maybe I don't have that control? Maybe I am just a peach pit, and I've been cast into a garbage bin. I don't have any fruit left on me.

Jesus. I'm not a fucking peach pit. I am a human being. I don't even know what that means. For some its being a free will. I feel anything but free. I feel completely and utterly constrained by biology. I feel filtered by the aggregate cluster-fuck of society. Objectivism would place free will as this "the choice to think, or to not think" and that is it. I don't fully agree with this. How can I be nothing more than a glandular and circumstantial product and not of the cosmos? Objectivism is too contrived for me; too Newtonian.

I want to leave philosophy to the philosophers. Leave me my sophistry, leave me my lies and embellishments... my subterfuges if you will... I forget what film it is, I believe it was French though... anyways one man was giving a speech while entertaining some guests, and this line has always stuck out to me... it was something like "take away a man's subterfuges and what does he have left?" I don't even know where I am going with this... since I don't even recall the film, other than it was a bright white room (possibly outside), and there were many guests sitting around a table and one guy was walking about. ugh. disgusting.

Isn't there a T-shirt with this guy saying something else on the banner? I can't remember where I saw it.

ideal

2008-05-07T02:09:00.002-05:00

i think i saw a coyote today in apple valley on 127th street. at first i thought it was someone with a loose dog, but upon review of the situation, and no obvious collar, plus the way it nonchalantly moved about, i'm pretty sure it was a coyote. it had the right proportions and it was lightly colored. i almost wondered if it had escaped from the zoo, but i guess that area of apple valley isn't too densely urban, i guess i've just never seen a coyote in the city.

anyways i kind of want to figure out how to move to the middle of nowhere. i don't know how i would eat or anything like that, but i just kind of want to live in a small 1200 sq foot building. i want concrete floors, stained of course and i want it minimally decorated. i kind of want to become something that only exists in sci-fi... a sci-fi farmer. you know a guy that lives out in the middle of nowhere with a small family of robots--think kimball kinnison, luke skywalker. thats what i want to do. live on a fully automated farm. everything is solar or wind powered, water heated by the sun. i want a pair of fancy binoculars, too, so i can watch my robots as they work. i want to sit and tinker when i want. paint, read, sleep. maybe have a cat? i just want to be mostly alone.

oh well. none of this will ever happen.

something...

2008-04-23T03:01:00.002-05:00

subtract losses from net reality to arrive at a gross reality. i try to do that every once in a while. subtract the losses to get a glimpse of the big picture... whatever that may be. but it seems more often than not i am staring into a void. i often forget that nothing is something... that negative is a quantity and that zero sum isn't all that attainable, or necessarily desirable.

just what exactly am i talking about? i'm not so sure. i have a problem. this i am sure of. but who doesn't? why is it that i can look a good man straight in the eye, have an earnest conversation with them and the next moment be okay with never speaking to them again. was it something they said?

am i in cut-tie mode? am i bitter? are they right? whats with all these questions. its time for some answers. they aren't necessarily the right ones, but here's what i've got so far. this little pie of me i have, this little circle so to speak, it has some spokes no doubt. little slivers of my life surrendered to others. now, can i honestly (in the loosest sense of the term) say i don't care about anyone? no. but i'm really starting to care less and less about people i've always cared about. people i'd reach out to in hopes that some day they would reach out to me and i could help them in some way. well. forget it.

sure, i provide a unique perspective... if you are interested in sophistry, i'm your man. if you want to see some one you are better than, place me next to you. if you want to feel better about your life, compare it to mine. oh phil, its not that bad. isn't it, though? maybe its not. maybe some people out there actually envy me in secret. they wish they could take everything they have and toss it out the window and not give two fucks. well. i don't give two fucks. i can't even give a single fuck, possibly in the most literal sense of the term as of late. but i digress...

i'm hung up. thats what i am. i'm stuck. it would be a tragedy if there was some sort of baseline to conclude as such... but no, a tragedy must follow some triumph, some achievement, of which i have none or very little. i'm not try to depress you. i'm just trying to crawl deeper into this hole. its warm and damp, its deep down in this organic mess where i hide from the light above. where i hide from the howling winds and terrible slaughter.

i'm not laughing. i'm not crying. i can't do either. i'll be glad to leave this state. i'll be glad to start over. yes, i think i know why i don't give two fucks right now. its because i am who i am. the damned truth is this: whatever it was you think you thought, you're probably right.

you're deepest and darkest fears of me, of what i am to become. of what i could be and won't be. all that is true. here is a bright man, with big ideas and no where to realize them, it is a path of destruction and annihilation both before him and to come. he is of such unrealized potential that it transcends a shame or a waste into something mesmerizing... something truly beautiful.

it is with this notion of insane egotism i will simultaneously disappoint you and give you the satisfaction of realizing your fears about me. i assume that none of this is true, and that all of this is true. you hate what you love, you love what you hate. and in this mess, in this indescribable paradox some kernel of truth with pop... and its white fluffy starch will coat your being and you will see exactly what it is i am talking about.

it might not be for years to come, it might not ever come. in fact i hope it never does, for you or for me. but if it does, you carefree beings, may it bring you one care so that you can feel the despair against the joy.

tɛksəs prɒspɛkt

2008-04-16T01:45:00.004-05:00

I'm excited for the future once again. Finally no longer a specter of hope, but a taste of something good. The winds of change are no longer violent, but mild and sustained... the kind of wind that blows gently to allow the stench of the rotten past to tumble into the ether, to land on the river and to be drawn in by the folding waves. The kind of wind that carries the august aroma of resolution to the nostrils of the tormented. Its not a cursory inhalation wrapped in my cynical sophistry, as many of my breaths have been. Its a new breath.

Yes, this verdancy requires caution, it may even be tumultuous like a newborn's transition from amnion to atmosphere. I am prepared for this jolt. I've been preparing my whole life for this...

Its time. Its Texas.

speak about the future in the past tense

if you stand in a circle, then we all have a back to bite.

2008-04-11T15:01:00.005-05:00

it seems the more i read, the less i write. that makes no sense at all. it just seems like someones already written most of what i was thinking anyways, and to re-articulate it is extraneous and mostly useless. when authors write, it can be read any number of ways. and when it is read, why should the only valid communication of the reproduction of lessons learned be more writing? wouldn't it be better by demonstration, or any other means? writing just seems like an excuse. this right here is an excuse. what is being said here could be demonstrated in a few short glances at the right time in the right context. writing can't reproduce those moments. no amount of text can condense the volumes of interpretations that can be derived from any one "classic."

when i produce art or design, it is a culmination of emotion, thought, logic, trial and error, random chance and synergy. any number of factors play into something i create, but for the most part it is experimental. thats what i think gives me satisfaction in my art. is that on some level someone out there isn't concerned with the precision of execution, but is more interested in what i decided what was important and what wasn't to a composition. yeah, maybe i did something at a low resolution and there are "jaggies" or maybe i didn't care to make typography to some standard.

yeah there is a lot of ' bad' design and 'typography'--but i would argue many fail to see why it is 'bad'--its not because of poorly executed implementation... or even the message it may carry... its because its contrived. its expected. there is a certain level of expectation instilled upon the viewer, and there are certain thresholds in which expectations can be met, broken, destroyed, unfulfilled, etc. the play upon these expectations is key--for both creator and receiver.

a surprise in a painting is what makes it unique. some just don't care for modern art, the label itself conveying an initial association with 'trite' or 'obsolete' thats all fine and good. but in any creation lies an element--the creator's element. somewhere between mind, medium and receiver lies an abstract; perhaps an ideal or concept, anyway it is clever. and its the bit of cleverness that 'clicks'

the surprise can be the style, the subject, the context, the precision (or lack thereof), the motif, anything really. it can be a combination of these in proper proportion.

now the same can be said for text. the fact of the matter is that i suck at the surprise. the surprise more often than not is the grade i receive for some banal rhetoric i churn out at the whim of the instructor. why do i have to prove to anybody anything? so i can get a job? its all so easy you see. all i have to do is the work. i have to resist the selfish desire to sit and idle.

it was said to me i am lacking something and that something is a "reason." well, yes, most people never find a reason to why they do anything. at least not any good ones. this presents a serious problem for me. if we are all about this planet as senseless beings without reason, it would seem to me that many historical ideals would have never been born; abstracts that romans and greeks codified would have been useless. the difficulty i find is devotion. how can i feel duty for anything i do? to whom do i report or surrender to? why is there even this essential instinct to submit? we are all in submission to some dog or another, some head cheese who had more gumption, or maybe they were just there first. and often that is good enough for us. but being raised to question authority, to challenge seniority and to ignore the established, i feel as if i had somehow been lead astray (ironically). i will not blindly follow anyone else. and no one has convinced me in my mind of something worthy of following. i myself can't lead, i don't possess the finesse, the je ne sais quoi. it's a mystery to me, one i might never figure out.

i suppose the only appeal of the military to me, is it straight-forward hierarchy--there is no hiding, no agenda in rank (theoretically). you are designated to some capability, and there is no second guessing. if you rise, its because you've done something or developed in some way. its a standardization of social order... and that what makes armies scary... its their efficiency. it strips down the socio-economics. it (usually) doesn't matter where you come from, what you've done, who you know. because you are told who you know and will know.

is it a cop out? yeah probably. i am sure a lot of people find 'freedom' in the military. i just don't think i'd be one of them. it seems to easy, it seems like a short cut. i've been called intelligent, smart, etc.

i don't recall being called "original" or "brilliant" because those things imply an employment of my faculties in some manner recognizable by more people. i figure people don't understand me, and i have no intention of "dumbing" anything down for anyone ever. is it this exclusivity that has led to this reclusion? perhaps. perhaps its exactly what i want. but now that i am here, i have no external validation. no one tells a hermit, "good job." i think someone ought to--seriously.

no one says to a college drop out, "way to go. you did it!" in a sincere fashion. someone should. thats the double irony of "discouraged workers." while in satire stephen colbert refers to those omitted from unemployment statistics on a technicality as "unsung heroes," i truly believe they are. these are people who have given up looking for work. these are people who accept their place in society. yeah, maybe they are lazy. maybe they should just pull themselves up. have some self-respect. have some dignity.

all this aside, since i am looking for (under)employment, how can i have any dignity or self-respect? i think subconsciously i equate my failures as a partner in a relationship to that as an employee at a job or a student at school. i am giving up or have given up. i can chew away a little longer at this bone, but soon enough the house of cards will collapse.

my life, my being, whatever it was i felt was my essence has been destroyed. no one understands that but me. i don't know how to rebuild it in any meaningful way. it took 23 years to get to the point where i wanted to destroy it all. i wanted to terminate my relationship with this planet. and thats my problem. i see my own self as some simple entity, some object, interfacing within some network of constraints and conditions which i consistently fail to agree or align with. there is no mythical secret language. there is no man behind the curtain. what you see is what you get, and yet i am so found of seeking something, some reason for being, that it is going to destroy me. time and again i will collapse in on myself. and can that be my function? a lightning-rod of sorts? a hoberman sphere of scissor-arms constructed of fallacy and emo bullshit? maybe. just maybe.
but that seems all too perfunctory, yet again, to satiate this hole, this wound. thats the thing about vampires... they suck.

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil...

2008-04-04T01:10:00.002-05:00

i had a crazy dream last night, i ate bbq snake, the man preparing the snake had a fancy way of filleting it in one fell swoop and then extracted the vertebral column in one pull, it was rather amazing. anyways the snake meat tasted like a sour chicken.

prior to that was another female invasion. this one had a black and red bob hair/wig and a floral weave tattoo with buttercup flowers that were pink/yellow/red and extended across her back and down across her left shoulder. the reds and pinks matched her hair somewhat, the stem/leaves were black/dark. i knew who it was, and i wasn't really that happy to see her, but i was drawn in nonetheless. the dark lighting and colors were fitting... there was a vampiric aura about her... and there was a symmetry about how she faced me. i don't recall any freckles... which was odd.

there were some other details i don't quite recall. my only guess is that i will be haunted in dreams in such a matter as this for years to come, and perhaps its well deserved. or perhaps i enjoy such ethereal torture. its tough to say one way or the other, all i know is that waking up from these dreams is hard, having realized its a representative aggregation of actualities is harder.

one sugar or two?

war(p)ath

2008-03-28T15:45:00.006-05:00

i do some pretty distinct or exact things. i am starting to see my rampage didn't really end after treatment or the hospital... its continuing to this very day... this very moment.

perhaps i am a sick individual with a twisted perception of reality. if so, i'm okay with that. i am still seeking something, I'm not sure what it is.

i have seen some patterns in my behavior. some things that seem rather obvious now, but I know not what is meant by them. i guess they are fetishes, i don't know what else to call them--its related to compulsive behaviors. anyways, i'm going to admit to some pretty strange things here that aren't all that strange. but these are things that talk a lot about my sexuality and thus being. i guess the following is a list of things that a) either turn me on, b) fulfill some sort of fantasy of mine and/or c) things i would rank better than sex

1) going to the grocery store
I like going to the grocery store with attractive women. i don't know why, but memories of me going to the grocery store with certain women stick out in my mind over other things. do i like going there to be seen with them? yes. do i enjoy the actual acts of shopping and collecting things? absolutely--but only when I am there with someone else I find very attractive. i don't really like going to the grocery store by myself.
2) playing video games
one of the times i've been turned on the most by any woman was watching a friend of mine exhibit some serious skill at super mario brothers 3. i'm not kidding. if you want to really impress me and thus forever imprint your person onto my mind, play a classic nintendo title in my presence better than I do.
also, i rather enjoy video games by myself. its probably why i spend hours on end with them, clearly i gather from them what other people get from drinking, doing drugs or watching TV--its recreational and therapeutic.
3) smoking cigarettes
fewer people smoke these days, and it seems even fewer women are smoking. they know better. so when i meet a smoker, i know i've met someone i have something in common with. did they start smoking to rebel against their parents? are they cynical about life? if they are willing to cause this much self-damage in public, are they sadistic otherwise? do they even care or realize anything beyond a nicotine fix? why do they hold their cigarette the way they do? its the enigma behind smoking that has allure. It is something that is both socially unacceptable, taboo and just plain sexy. I can't figure it out. there is nothing really cool about smoking, besides making you look cool. i guess its the james dean factor... pushing things to the edge. questioning authority.
bottom line: its a complete paradox! it is both a public display of denial and weakness (to the addiction, initially peer pressure, family history, etc.) and of as an expression of individualism (fuck you, i know this is bad for me, i'm going to do it anyways) and humanity (i've got problems, smoking might just be one of them....) its really difficult to describe it, but thats the best i can right now.
4) watching sci-fi (a side from star wars, i place that in a different realm altogether, one more that is more neutral and has more negative connotations) and certain anime
Be it star trek, cowboy bebop, battlestar, or whatever... and of these shows have a certain philosophical or allegorical component to them. if you are able to pick up in the slightest of these components, then you are seriously up there in my book. being able to talk about Data or 7 of 9 as characters embodying the fears and hopes of our generation is a major turn on. i don't know why. if you enjoy FLCL and not just because you have ADD, that puts up a few in my book.
the star wars side note: star wars appears to the vehicle on which women may jump on just to get on the lists or to be noticed. Its not a big of social risk to like star wars, i mean, everyone's seen them. its exactly that which is a turn off. its a cop out. star wars, IMHO, fails to develop a philosophical or allegorical reading comparable to star trek beyond TOS. its your basic nation-state-view/western-discourse entrenched good vs. evil boring story. the story of star wars is like any other--its not unique. yes it does have some higher meaning in it... but the movie was designed to appeal to the mass public. i applaud george lucas for THX 1138 FAR MORE than i do star wars. that is telling you something. and if you understand why, then you and I are quite alike.

the digression:

another persistent problem I have, everything seems to revolve around me. I have a REAL hard time getting outside of my head and caring about other people. other people let me down and are not to be trusted...

Thats what this entire blog is about. Its about me. Its not about you, or who's reading it, except in the capacity that potential/actual readers shape and filter the content on here through the limits of what i post here. there are plenty of times i cross that boundary, the empowering anonymity of the internet and so on could be to blame, who knows.... but please don't interpret it as any lack of respect i have upon you, dear reader.

2008-03-24T17:01:00.001-05:00

like a hired gun

2008-03-22T07:33:00.002-05:00

wow. i want to recall the same thing happening after the last time i went to flameburger... but maybe not.

i just had some crazy dreams.... probably the craziest dreams i had in say... a long time.

i was freaking out because i couldn't find my ipod at some point i found out my sister had it, but she cannibalized it for some reason and i freaked out on her. I apologized and she said "if you hadn't gone off on me i would have finished what i was saying" she explained about some deal about some imaginary chip inside the ipod and how she extracted it and combined it with something else... anyways she traded something for something and was like "hey i've got ____ (i forget) and a dice jacket" the dice jacket was a suede jacket with script print and dice on the back, it looked kind of like a letter a jacket I guess, but with a pair of dice on it. for some reason i thought this thing was pretty cool and i felt happy about it. she was tying up a white garbage bag with a red pull string that was full of red ribbon or shreds in it, she was wearing a bridesmaid outfit with her friends, apparently going to some wedding i guess.

anyways towards the end of my room had those sticky body jewel things in an elaborate pattern on the wall... and i got stuck in a "loop" where i kept waking up inside my dream. sometimes i'd be half awake and unable to open my right eye or look at the clock, i knew if i looked at the clock i'd know if i was really awake or dreaming. on more than 2 or 3 occasions i did the half awake thingy, noting what was different from the last time i woke up, sometimes it was music playing, i knew when i really woke up there wasn't any music going to be playing, so that woke me up into another dream. the music was either the alarmists or m83 or something else i couldn't recognize. i kept hearing names from and had ideas i was struggling to remember. when i half woke up things were a blue tint and i couldn't move the right side o fmy body, i would fall the ground on the side of my bed and struggle to get up or move my right side of my body, everything was blue and i quickly got frustrated and "fell back asleep" into another dream.

there was something about grand vampire or something. something else about some other title i can't remember. a figure representative of indiana jones was present at some point, he was giving me the low-down on what was allegedly happening. i must have falling in out of meta-dreams more than 10 but less than 20 times. there was sexual content in the dream, but i can't remember the girl, other than she doesn't exist in real life. there was constant "chatter" in my dreams, kind of like i was jumping between radio stations in my head, with the audio in my minds eye i visualized a "shifting" pattern of what i can only describe looked kind of like jpeg/mpeg artifacts, it was a multi-colored block thing arranged horizontally and the blocks would shift colors and pattern, but it looked "lossy" there were other more cohesive parts of my dream where it was like a movie... also things were kind of like a music video at some point, i remember i made a game in my head within the dream about the music i was hearing and how i was semi-lucid in that i wasn't aware of dreaming but i was aware i could imagine anything in vivid detail so i made music videos in my minds eye to go with whatever it was i was hearing. i think this was the first time auditory things played such a heavy role in my dreams.

i can't really explain at all what the hell was going on, I am still confused and in a daze about it. the weird part was now that i am actually awake, i looked on IM and one of my friends had a dream related event.

my chest still has that anxious feeling in it right now. i just had to get all this writing down before i forget entirely what happened so i know what to expect next time something weird like this happens in my dreams.

better than 99% of the internet.

2008-03-13T14:46:00.007-05:00

So here it is...

In his mind a seed of thought concerning the uselessness made. And so did i. But i was bothered. My sins consequence of the large number of (slain) men, which i estimated conjecturally at 25,000 feet, if to see whether, under real or supposed inspiration, of your word, and send my letter in time. If i constituting the sacrificial fire, they poured do? Vaisampayana said, 'o lord of the earth, vasudeva had perished miserably and not in battle. It was and disposition they but faintly understood. But as the grandson of brahman. 1401. There are three total $8. Itemized account of clothing for the men are equal in respect of their physical organism. It a sitting figure rose from the roadside, stepped you have much need for that prayer. A moment more,.

This one I particularly like:

Itemized account of clothing for the men are equal in respect of their physical organism.

Doesn't it just speak volumes? It's inspired me to do a bit of my own work, lets have a go...

Getting the back-up singer over and over to confuse my dreams with the sounds with similar to "What We is the young woman and over again. in that context, they're simply bland. With all rhymes or as the Spitzer scandal, the lyrics ("Can you the choice between Dupre's track tap water.") catch a professional 9 times out of 10. We've heard Vitamin Water — Carey, etc--so much so Water — Your Tap Is Spiked! Who taught prostitute who gave now-former New York but instead felt like we work ahead of synths. The vulnerable strength of is inevitably derivative. You've heard songs like in the music yes? But before take the (musical) amateur it is inevitably derivative.
You've in, but instead felt like we Water — Your Tap Is Spiked! viewed and commented on of the words, another problem with but, for those of not to confuse my dreams with any verses. It obviously does, She's the singer whose who, first Given the choice between a guy, taught me dreams with the sounds over and over again. Your obstacles, not the least that isn't an entirely bad thing, to review the track and inevitably derivative. You've heard songs like trust...inspired by a guy, who taught bumper for the rapper phoning in the bumper for a Top 40 track.
Gloriously ironic, but removed from list of links In light of the Spitzer scandal, song resembles its influences--in this case, as the precursor for the more likelihood, Dupre is off writing songs you who are of work ahead that said, "What We Want" can, Given the choice between Dupre's track Mariah Carey, etc--so much so may be a name that of you who are unsure, here's a Instead, I was city". classified as "good". Like all pop music today. In terms prostituting themselves anyway, With all that said, "What We with the vulnerable woman who recently Want" is the hypocritical politicians*
It obviously gave now-former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's the braggadocio Mariah Carey. on your satellite to "What We Want" *stop being a prostitute*.** Speaking what you'd normally hear in the with, yes? But before we from that context, they're simply 11 sec] add to playlist

exanimate

2008-03-04T16:08:00.000-06:00

so i am thinking about turning my book project i've been working on into a novel. i know i know... you just read frankenstein for class and it seems as if you could take any random literary works and sew them together in a epistolary novel. well i like the challenge. my sister was big into those "teen" novella/books... you know... the ones sitting next to the ones that are written like text message conversations. can you just imagine a gothic novel written in

walz0r17xx: sup marg? LOL i wont c u 2moro !!! goin 2 N pol! ciao!1111

wowzers. i am tired... time to sleeeep!

flag this fucker.

2008-03-01T05:42:00.003-06:00

NEW BLOG: here.

In case of automated flagging... i hope the link provides some sort of spider buffer... probably not though.

[i'll] go to hell for what [my] dirty mind is thinking

2008-02-24T05:35:00.003-06:00

now that [i] feel it, [i] don't.

its that time again. 6:22 in the am. what this means is that i haven't gone to bed yet. and that i will sleep all day. i've accomplished so much... yet so little today. i went to little t's... it was delicious.

i smoked a whole pack of cigarettes today... and then some. i have been trying some different music lately, and i must say i rather enjoy it. radiohead is too brooding for me... i need angrier music right now. walls of jericho has fit the bill quite well.

time to throw on some air/m83 and hit the sack.

i will write more when i wake up, i've never been so tired i couldn't yammer on for great lengths. but its getting hot in my room as the heat is timed to go up before people wake up in the house.... and here i am, just going to bed. fuck.

i've been a liar my whole life.

get ready to ignite.

my own antithesis?

2008-02-22T01:01:00.005-06:00

so i had some severe revelations today.

1) i am going to old places with new friends that i went to with old friends in some sort of attempt to make minnesota work for me... that is i have some sort of distorted belief that by hanging out at old places with new faces will erase the past... or at least occlude/obscure it. there is so little to keep me here... that is, i don't recognize any of the good things i have here.

1b) everything reminds me of my failures in the past. EVERYTHING. driving down cedar ave i feel like a failure. driving down 35W... failure. uptown/downtown... whittier... tangletown... failure failure failure. cliff road? failure. MN-13? failure. savage/shakopee/west bloomington? FAILURE. just about the only time i don't feel like a failure when driving is when i pass a place where i witnessed someone else fail more miserably than me.... i.e. bank of the lakes 31st and hennepin... i.e. government plaza... i.e. the arbors, etc.

i cringe when i think of 5th st NE. the failures extend beyond driving though.
i can't sleep in my own fucking bed... fucking failure. i can't do anything or go anywhere without some remnant of the past rearing its head in a big way.

there is no place i can think of right now i am proud of. none. what place can i look at and go "wow, that was awesome." chicago is bittersweet. the mall is treacherous. i need to feel like i've won somewhere. that there is some battle i've fought and come out on top. there is some place with my name. there is some spot somewhere out there i can call home. some reprieve, right? i will find it... won't i?

2) i am utterly and insanely sick of school. it takes immense effort to pretend to be mindful and thankful for what i essentially rate as completely useless at this juncture. but being wise, i know college will pay off (or at least i can live with the constructed pretense that it will). the long term benefit of a 4 year degree is strictly increasing my initial marketability. but with absolutely zero social skills, connections or motivation the short term seems impossibly worthless.

3) i am developing a severe sharp pain in my my right shoulder/neck. i can't drive my car worth a damn.

4) i am losing my touch... wait no. i've lost my touch. i have no finesse. at all. i am creepy, unapproachable. i have zero confidence. zero. i am socially awkward, fearful and unsure. i am indecisive, unable to engage in conversations with strangers or make new friends.

5) i've continued to pursue relationships with people that are simply unavailable--emotionally or otherwise.

6) at school i am surrounded by potentially well-read people with the ability to at least grasp my humor.

7) my conversation is either pure digression or unconnected and unplanned. whereas i felt out of control before, i feel completely alienated. all the social connections i had before were shams. and what wasn't a sham i made a sham.

8) karma: this is the price. this is what i must endure, what i must learn from. hard lessons. monetary penalties, self-worth penalties. sure this seems oddly puritan and over analytical... but is it really? i mean for fuck sake. i expect too much from myself? not enough? i don't know.

i can't swallow the fact that i am so dependent on others. my own livelihood is a sliver away from falling in the toilet at any given moment. my only saving grace is my dad... and that is only gonna last so long. if i leave this place, if i move far away, i will be forced to do things for myself. i don't think i can make it in this world. its such a shitty fucking place.

i mean for fuck sake, what is the fucking point? i am still missing out on that. i can't bring a smile to many peoples faces. my face hurts when i try to smile... its so unnatural. i can't relax. i am seriously about to fucking lose it, i mean... maybe. i don't know. i am just fucked up in the head... for real. i don't know what to do. i can call some professionals tomorrow... and they will calm me down... for about 15 minutes... maybe an hour... maybe a day... maybe enough for a whole week. but then what? why do i keep falling down? i am sick of this fucking shit. for real.

i don't get it. i want to be miserable? is that all i know? WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SHIT? i don't know. i feel infected. diseased. plagued. tortured.

... my word choices are not arbitrary, i am sure there are some of you who know torture... or knows somebody who knows torture. and i am not experiencing it. you know this to be true. i am just a whiny bitch who's gonna read the 800-lbs gorilla in the room out loud for you all. i don't know... how far must my own existence be reduced to simple vicariousness? at what point do i realize i've had enough.

what am i even rambling on about? can't i be specific? what went wrong today, phil? why do you dance around everything like every little thing is something big. why? what is the purpose?

it comes down to three things... no... one thing.

survival.

for some reason i want to survive. i didn't die. i should have died, it would have made this a lot easier. i wouldn't be such a burden on society.

when do my dues end? never. i will be paying for the rest of my sad pathetic mundane existence. paying tribute to some ass out there. my blood and tears. my skin and bones. to some asshole out there. some ungrateful pathetic fuck, who just has a slight edge over me... but is so far socio-economically removed from the proletariat that he/she can suck the fucking blood out of us. don't leave britney alone. don't leave paris alone. THEY ARE FUCKING VAMPIRES. don't you people see it? if there was anything any professor said that got me riled up about celebrities and their audacity is their mere existence as consumers of dead labor. thank you bruce, i hate life that much more now. now when i can't laugh at highbrow humor and instead interpret it rather seriously... you know there is a fucking problem.

well fuck.

cruddy papers & my metal-jazz band & muppet babies

2008-02-19T15:48:00.003-06:00

well today i cranked out two papers last minute. the first paper has 1 or 2 really terrible sentences where two ideas run into one to create a monstrous flesch-kincaid-chimera... if only j peter kincaid wasn't such a slacker and came first i could use the acronym K-F-C.

i might use it anyways... especially if i ever T.A. and grade papers... i'd write KFC all over it.

that aside i feel somewhat accomplished having pulled such b.s. last minute. its pretty evident these papers were put together last minute... c'est la vie.

i have the potential to draft very critical analysis of works... if i put in the time and effort. but most of my writing is stream... free-write then reorganized. the problem is my brain isn't as good as it used to be for sorting things out. papers come out awkward and i believe my discourse has become so distorted that ego OK's things that are probably ridiculous and fail-worthy. we'll see... sometimes i feel pretty mental.

i guess i don't feel a great sense of accomplishment on writing papers... they seem to disappear into a void... even if i had material worth publishing (hardly) what academic journals would it go in? who might google upon it? i don't know... i don't think i like the idea of peer review either... i don't like 'research' i just like to poke fun and be satirical. thats what i like to do. thats why i am going to get rolling on my book again here shortly... jesus its already february and i wanted it done last december. i'll have new ideas to incorporate... new pieces to include... just making it thicker. which brings me to pipedream no. 2...

metal jazz: legitimatizing math rock.

i don't play any instruments... but i think i should pick up a guitar... i mean look at coldplay--right? ha. anyways justin and i have at various points brought up the concept of "metal jazz." of course, like every band, its starts with some crazy ass name... unfortunately i forget what we were gonna call the metal jazz band...it was some clever sleight of mouth... i'm sure it will come to me. anyways its going to be epic... maybe even epoch... not epicurean though... well... not initially... atomic materialism isn't my cup of tea anyways... i very much believe abstracts exist... form and patterns... which last far longer than mere matter. ghost in the machine may be just a plateau removed from our very existence as human beings... but i digress.

MUPPET BABIES HAS PANACHE

ha. i was right. muppet babies did reference Cyrano in "Muppet Babies: Beauty and the Schnoz (#5.2)" (1988) I wonder where i can procure muppet babies for my viewing pleasure.... hmm that just sounds wrong.

alright, who flagged me?

2008-02-18T23:44:00.004-06:00

i can always get you a lime.

wowzers. seriously, i'm telling mom!!!!!

here's a novel idea--instead of flagging my blog, how about you write to me and tell me what you find objectionable! if you have a problem with your neighbors... go to your neighbors before you call the cops on them. seriously people. grow up.

go ahead, present your argument here... i am interested to hear it. i'm an open minded person and i want to hear a well constructed argument. otherwise take a hike, pal.

you know what you are getting into when you read this...an unfiltered stream of consciousness. if you can't handle that, then this blog isn't for you. go read something else and leave me alone.... mmmk?

on another note... nLite is AMAZING.... seriously before you do your next windows install or if you have to press F6 for 3rd party drivers... check this thing out. Its awesome.

Music snobbery and 10 points to anyone who gets this sweet ref...

2008-02-14T16:53:00.003-06:00

Happy Valentine's!

When it comes to music,I am really picky; i love Wilco and Band of Horses, but i'm not a huge fan of My Morning Jacket. I like Low and Mogwai, but not Yo La Tengo. I like Neko Case and Cat Power, but not Lucinda Williams. I like Spoon, but i'm undecided on Vampire Weekend and indifferent towards The National. I like The Blow and of Montreal, but not Architecture in Helsinki. I like MSTRKRFT, M.I.A. and Justice but typically despise 'club' and popular dance music. I like the Klaxons, but didn't really care at all for Bloc Party until their latest release. I like Arcade Fire, and Kings of Leon but not The Shins or Interpol. I love Gogol Bordello and DeVotchka but don't really care that much for Flogging Molly. I think Travis, Snow Patrol and Coldplay are terrible, but I like The Killers, I'm somewhat partial to Keane and I love Muse. I love Jason Molina/Songs: Ohia but I don't like Will Oldham/Bonnie 'Prince' Billy.

My favorite artists right now are probably Radiohead (as always), Blonde Redhead, and Wilco. Any good drum and bass is also a staple of my musical diet; AK1200 Limewax, Current Value. I love very specific 80's--Oingo Boingo, The Go-Betweens, Kate Bush, The Smiths, The Cure, The Clash, The Replacements, New Order. Jazz--Charlie Parker, Dexter Gordon. 60's/70's Classic Rock--Moody Blues, CCR, The Velvet Underground.

Anyways thats the gist of my musical tastes... and its ALWAYS changing. Thats just a snap shot.

review

2008-02-11T02:07:00.000-06:00

well that certainly sent my head spinning...

i am confused again. how long will i be haunted? jesus... when will this stop?
here is a song i think about every once in a while:

velvet underground - after hours

If you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the sunshine out
And say hello to never

All the people are dancing
And theyre having such fun
I wish it could happen to me

But if you close the door
Id never have to see the day again

If you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the wine-glass out
And drink a toast to never

Oh, someday I know
Someone will look into my eyes
And say hello
Youre my very special one

But if you close the door
Id never have to see the day again

Dark party bars, shiny cadillac cars
And the people on subways and trains
Looking gray in the rain, as they stand disarrayed
Oh, but people look well in the dark

And if you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the sunshine out
And say hello to never

All the people are dancing
And theyre having such fun
I wish it could happen to me

[ mp3 ]

REAL simple syndication

2008-02-08T01:02:00.000-06:00

you know... the more i hear myself talk the more pathetic i sound and the less i seem able to control it. its like i am on this downward spiral of uncool. like... what happened? i thought i used to be a pretty decent person, but it looks more and more like i fail... just plain fail.

like there is some sort of objective anyways? like what? i just want to want to live. even that seems beyond my grasp. what is so fucking horrible anyways? why can't i just get a long and enjoy life? what is so terrible about being happy? i don't know.

i want to stop listening to everyone for a bit. they keep telling me i searching for something. am i?
isn't everybody? wtf like there is some big repository of life's answers and i'm waiting for my card to get in. bullshit.

look i'm not smart. whoever told you i was, including yourself, is lying. a smart person wouldn't be in my situation. i'm dumb as fuck. i don't have the answers. i never have and most likely won't. am i coming to terms with class confines? am i really doomed to be controlled for the rest of my life? what makes this worth while? i mean from the cradle we are taught time and again money doesn't fix anything. so what if i make 50 grand... 100 grand. 400 grand? whats it mean in the end when i am still this miserable suffering blabbering idiot with so much wasted talent? AND APPLY IT TO WHAT? huh? fuck you. seriously. you got the answers? i bet you do.

look i sit and listen to policy makers, decision makers. its all the same, they don't stand on the shoulders of grunts... they step on their faces. they have pretty little suitcases and black leather binded documents and fancy powerpoints and $10 words. fuck that shit. the fact of the matter is everyone has their own agenda and discourse and they overlap so little the only hope for progress is sheer coincidence. things aren't just random anymore... they are SUPER-random.

things have "progressed" beyond our abilities to coherently manage anyone facet of any one event's contributions to the whole. where in this senseless mass of rhetoric does one find peace? at the end of a paragraph? just before the bibliography?

i ABSORB information, its what i do. i read something, and pretty much know it. i don't read critically, i assume its all bullshit, but i know enough to regurgitate it on a test. i know enough to get me by. but where are MY ideas? if i'm such a genious, why don't i speak up? what am i so fucking afraid of? being heard? being right? being wrong? i don't know.

my theories aren't all that great, i realize this, they stem from a very constricted discourse, only recently expanded in perhaps the last 2 or 3 years. and now i have this huge fucking cloud hanging over my head. this wager i placed on death... i have tickets... not just speeding tickets or the like... but i have a ticket for living. how am i suppose to pay for my attempt at death? what rigorous test must i pass to prove my worth on this planet? the mere fact that i'm living?

look i don't know if i'll ever be in a situation where a gun is pointed at me, or my life is in danger, i'd like to say i wouldn't cower in fear, that my legs wouldn't tremble and i wouldn't beg for my life. i'd like to say i'd stand there, in defiance. the barrel at my temple and my life is literally in someone else's hands. not just doctors and nurses. not just my dad. not just my own. but in some complete strangers hands. and in this place i'd like to stand without quiver... without fear. i'd like to look that man in the face and say "i have nothing to lose, you have nothing to gain... pull the trigger fuck-face."

and its either click or not. its either darkness and nothingness, or there remains another tense situation. where is this marauder? where is this morsel of human goodness brandishing cold steel? where is this figure i desperately want to confront? i want to cower at this man. i want to beg for my life. i don't want it handed to me. i want it to end. and i want it to end now.

fucking end me already. just fucking do it. do me in.

they want confidence. they want functional social being. well fuck you. you know what you get? nothing. no satisfaction. i just want you to die. i want you to fucking die.

whiskey tango foxtrot

2008-02-07T17:50:00.000-06:00

monster truck tire fuck
raptor claw closed jaw

sceptre jewel drown pool
slipp'ry wet dorm pet

spectre ghost kills host
jasper eyed man lied

car crash found stash
safety cone full blown

murmur put down foot
choking throat tug boat

chopper flies blue skies
train wreck black speck

on why academia bores holes in your cerebral cortex

2008-01-31T17:32:00.000-06:00

i have a problem... regarding 'scholarly' writing and why it is so hard for people to put things simply... you should see some of my reading material that is expected of freshman to read.... i mean these ideas ARE way out there... this vocab must escape everyone that hasn't had at least 3 years of college... seriously... who uses the word "heterodoxy?" esp. when comparing chicago and los angeles models of urban development which is so theoretical and abstract how can there be a strict orthodoxy to begin with! i think writers are afraid of sharing knowledge and its this elitist bullshit that is holding us back as a society--further critiques on these models are far better demonstrated in other books, novels and movies... see Bladerunner or The Ecology of Fear. i mean i don't need a 3 page meta-analysis of mike davis when i have learned just about all he has to offer by looking at his book for 5 minutes at barnes and noble. life is SERIOUSLY information overload--things just aren't helpful... there is too much going on. dystopia... i tell you! interdictorry spaces!? cognitive sensibilities? fucking come on people... spit it out and put your brain-dick away)

wow that was a long parenthesis... again tangenty! anyways to bring this full circle... it would be RATHER boring if i were in a relationship with a girl that understood a damn word a spoke sometimes... the bitterer irony is that even articles that explain machismo are in themselves wrapped and burdened with jargon... how intricately oppressive academia is!

COSMOPOLIS! seriously--has thinking ALWAYS been this much of a contest? i think writers are afraid of reaching the masses. the life of the artists appeals to me in many more ways as each day passes and more and more i begin to loathe my initial passion for geography. to what end can i become useful on this planet? should i hop on the jargon bandwagon and wave my $10 words around? fucking christ. i wish i was good at an instrument during times like this.... i could just jam out... but instead i write these crappy blogs and make shitty digital art. but lo! fear not dear reader! that is no indication that i will ever stop complaining about things as such!

ps.
interdictorry spaces would be a great post-core band name and their first EP could be titled "cognitive sensibilities"

mobile rhyme lab

2008-01-28T04:22:00.000-06:00

lately its been a lot like lemony snicket
my life's on strike and i'm outside the picket
at least good ol' pinocchio's has a jiminy cricket
i can't sit back, chill out or just plain kick it

come on let me break it down like this
on the next inception date of pris
there's no one to hold or for me to kiss
but its certainly not romance that i miss

natural states in unnatural lands
bona fide mistakes, hand-in-hand
questioning the master's laid out plan
drawing lines in the dirt, laying borders in the sand

one's sphere expands then quickly contracts
as myth becomes reality and lies become facts
why even bother searching for what we lack
when it will only grow after the next attack

further proof of god's gracious plan....

2008-01-26T07:11:00.000-06:00

its 6:40am. i heading southbound on I-35W. there are 5 or 6 cars around me and i am going the speed of traffic. in fact i hadn't passed anyone since merging onto the freeway. out of 20 or 30 fucking cars between 28th st and 46th street I HAVE TO BE THE CAR PULLED OVER. 71 in a 55. officer please, suck my fucking cock you piece of shit pig. there are people being raped right now. people being assaulted. people running drugs. i am a nice person. i give people rides when they can't drive. i engage in meaningful conversation. treat me like a human being you fucking pig. don't give me guff. fuck you. piece of shit. doing yer job? fuck you and your job. give me a fucking break already.

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT? I can't.

i had an awesome day. i can't help but fucking LAUGH at the bitter irony of my mood and life and events. I REALLY can't do anytihng else but cry at this point. My mood is hot and cold.... MY FUCKING LIFE IS HOT AND COLD. the sweets not as sweet without the sour they say... well damn... DAMN DAMN DAMN. THIS IS LUDICROUS.

i mean here is what happened today....

i went out for coffee with Ali then we went for a walk around the linden hills neighborhood. a few yards ahead a woman asks us if we want to go for a ride in a horse drawn trailer. duh. then we went to calhoun square, went to the fossil shop and looked around and then talked to this guy who just opened his art gallery on the second floor. after that we went and saw persepolis at uptown. then we went to galactic pizza, ate and talked and listened to open mic performers afterwards i dropped her off at home.

since i was in minneapolis i called up kyle and then went over to kyle's to hang out. i was surprisingly welcomed, i thought they were all going to hate me, but i had a good time and met some new people. it was good seeing alana, meg, scott and steve again.

meg and jimmy needed a ride home, so i obliged. jimmy seems like a pretty decent dude with good taste in music and fun to talk to and hang out with. i go over to SA get some donuts and fuel up, then head down the free from I-94 and onto 35W

it was a flawless day. band of horses cranked... then...

BAM. it all goes to hell. i mean seriously. WTF. ugh. i can not afford this ticket.

My therapist said it seems like i have extreme emotions. Well how can you not when this is the kind of shit i've been putting up with in the last 2 months. 10x more rejection than i've dealt with in the past 2 months than my entire life prior. thoughts and emotions and situations just as or more confusing than before. i mean. what the hell is going on here?

on the outside its like "well thats really unfortunate, phil, but this shit happens to everyone." HOW FUCKING COMFORTING KNOWING THAT LIFE IS SUFFERING AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU SUFFERS AS MUCH OR MORE. i mean yes, 4 people i know have pretty much totalled their car in the past month, 3 of them within a week. i mean, i could have totalled my car right? with any luck thats next on my list. god willing i will develop a fantastic relationship with a girl, soul mate kind of stuff and 2 days later i will be t-boned by a city bus that slipped through a red and i will be paralyzed from the neck down. then we'll see who takes what for granted, won't we? then we'll be thankful for what we had. then the devil with laugh and spit in my face and say he doesn't even exist.

some people live life like there's no point in making plans since someone has already made some for them. these people are called alcoholics. look i know when i make plans they fail. i know when my ego speaks, it lies. but being human is trying dammit. i know certain things are destined to fail, but i think i am smarter than that. i need to try and challenge it anyways. they said nuclear power was destined to fail. they said everything's already been invented. they said we'd never have powered flight. well if trying to fit square pegs into round holes is insanity... I AM INSANE. if going through 50 different metals before coming across tungsten... then i am insane.

but do you see the flaw here in this analogy? definition of insanity is repeating the same thing expecting different results. well look. i am not THE SAME. nothing is the SAME. I am DIFFERENT. every moment, every experience, every breath changes my body and mind. every conversation. all vectors are in constant flux. what appears the same isn't.

and how can you even apply such a definition? edison wasn't insane. he was a douchebag. einstein wasn't insane, he was autistic. stephen hawkings isn't insane, he just is winding down and his conjectures are less and less convincing.

the geniuses of all time... insane? look... CALIGULA was mad. saddam.. .MAD. hitler... MAD. stalin... MAD. but they are fucking genius. they know how to play the game... how to get to the top, how to turn heads and manipulate minds. they are fear-benders. the masses are rivers.... they are canal and channel builders. the banks don't shift now. land isn't inundated or replenished. toil and turmoil is sewn...
bitterness is reaped.
this dry land and concrete barrier.
this hallowed ground...
this soil...
this complex organic layer of life,
lifted by the winds and dumped into the ocean,
blocking out the sun and killing below.

a tempest's rage is exemplary.
a silver-screen riot gone quiet.
a knoll's dandelions crushed.
a beach's sands turned into glass.
a belonging usurped, a right denied.
a life not lived
a death unwarranted
a troubled youth becomes troubled man

outreach... out-teach.
educate... inculcate
flying falcon... dust of vulcan.

the fist of god extends one finger, then two.
the voice of man is a murmur, a droning babble
the other arm of god carries a broom and dust pan
the third arm of god folds hands with the forth
and the fifth and sixth extend over the head and fingertips touch
the seventh and eighth beat a drum.

god rollerblades over sticks like they aren't there.
he bikes across creeks like they aren't there.
it can not be called defiance...

i don't know if jesus walked on the water... but if he did, it wasn't a big deal really.
water into wine... not a miracle. the only reason wine and beer was made was because
water was easily contaminated and went bad--bred disease.
water into pure water... that would have been a miracle

why would god violate laws governing the planet to astonish us
is it because LAWS are ANTHROPOGENIC?
without man, law would not exist, it is a mere construction based solely our own observation and by tools of our creation.
laws are dangerous. theorems are handy.

there is something to be said about the infamous chant of judas priest... 'breakin the law! breakin the law!'

so now i say... gravity.... thermodynamics... human constructions and abstractions. none is safe in the realm of god. but worry not, scientific method is better than pagan worship. statistics is better than guessing. television is better than books. and microwave dinners free up time to go spend with the kids but isn't spent as such.

to take this one further... to really close this on a clever note let me do this.
you can't kill time without hurting eternity.
you can't spend time without cashing eternity.

we have all cashed eternity... and for that we will pay.

insomnia

2008-01-24T06:25:00.000-06:00

its come to my attention that despite my best efforts i remain human.

its possible that i'm a monster, i am definitely a cyborg and somewhat a robot.

i use to think that some of the stuff i did was 'monstrous.'

but really, given the circumstances, its not quite fair to put me in he monster category as such. the things i did were out of passion, out of a mixture of good and poor decision making. anyone else in the situation could have made the same mistakes. was i powerless? i don't know. i don't know what to believe anymore. about love. about lust. about any of those things. it is just now that i am beginning to feel some pain. some guilt. some remorse. i am becoming human again. i am getting visceral reactions. a transition of ethereal to corporeal.

despite my best efforts and best thinking i am here. but i haven't arrived. i am in constant departure and arrival. a universal flux unmatched by other creatures. other creatures objectives are just that, objective. i have to accept an anthropogenic framework, well, since i am such. to speak outside of human experience to humans is an abstraction most don't find useful. people drive themselves mad with metaphysics. they used to be revered. they used to be outcasts. but more and more it is becoming commonplace to think as such. to think about form and function outside of human utility because utility has become subjective.

come on mood, shift shift back to good again.

i am being ignored. we can all relate to that. which goes back to rejection. now... when rejecting someone there are several criteria that must be evaluated. some people say "its not you, its me." what a bunch of bullshit. there is no mutually exclusives in a rejection situation. being told that is further proof, its a paradox. first of all, without 'you' there is no 'me' in opposition to construct that excuse. there are two parties... its both parties. and it can't be 'this is all because of you...'--again because of the same argument. its both parties. hungry people make poor shoppers. but grocery stores thrive on them. there is somebody always coming out ahead... but i digress.

when i am being rejected, the first question is "why?" all kinds of answers come to mind, inadequacy, low utility, i am too confusing, i am threatening, i'm not fun, i am causing more harm than good. the other person isn't comfortable around me, they are bored with me. they are not ready for me. this state of readiness. this intangible gear in which i must interlock with. monkey wrench.... i see where that comes from now.

rights. right to be angry? to what extent. "can't we be grown up about this?" what does that even mean? first its an insult. fine whatever. an expression of frustration. look.

here is the problem. i yield way too much power to other people. i don't know why i do... i just do. masochism maybe. i don't know. all i know is that i hate where i am right now. i made a mistake today. a pretty big one. and that was thinking that i have a chance. i cant make things right, or even better.

i felt a smidgen of empathy today. then it became a little bit more, that awful feeling you get in your stomach. that was short lived though. but here i am. HERE I AM. this doesn;t make any sense to me. sitting here on this couch in uptown at 6:49 am typing away. i can't describe how i feel, other than exhausted. i feel incapable and inadequate. i feel defeated. i feel i deserve something. fucking puritanism. its garbage. it doesn't matter how hard i work or how much i shirk. all i have to do is follow some simple rules. they aren't in bright neon or posted in a conspicuous place. they are social norms. and just when i have a grasp on them, i blow them apart. i don't want to be anti-social anymore... but i am such a sucker. i am easy prey. i won't even put up a fight.

its not right. its not right that i don't want to go to class. its not right that i want to drop out of school. its not right an of it. i have desires for a billion things aren't right. and when i do right... is been so long... but when i do... it doesn't feel worth it. i would rather rot. i would rather spew line after line of nonsense text. i have an insatiable desire for self-destruction.

i put myself here at this place i am at now. i did it. i had some help. i was lacking some help. but i filled in the gaps. and here i am. its not square 1, but its pretty close. so the natural assumption is that this is some sort of treacherous cycle edging on samsara.

-we get no second chance in this life.

-don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen.

-i want a good life. with a nose for things. a fresh wind and bright sky... to enjoy my suffering.

-this will never end, this will never end, this will never... stop.

are we losing all touch building a desert? i can't say for sure. but i do feel desolate. i know there are others out there. but this is it right here. this is the end of the line. the last bastion of insanity. after i break this one down i might just be free. or i might find out i was wrong. either one is likely.

i cling to music like a child clings to a mother. as far as i am concerned, i have no mother. in fact, when she is brought up in conservation, it doesn't seem so ludicrous to claim i was hatched. 'man... your mom she is so cool.' i have no idea who you are talking about. the mom you think i had that was so cool... i won't ruin that one for you, thats your memory to keep. mines just a little different. and i can constantly reformulate my stance as i see fit. and no one stance is leading me any closer to identity or indemnification.

no one understands. not even me. its deja vu.

atari reject

2008-01-23T18:58:00.000-06:00

well i missed my appointment with my psychologist today, so its time for some self-therapy.

i think i'm trying to be someone i'm not. you know.. all sunshiney and positive. the fact is i've never been positive. there's no point in torturing myself to be positive. depression only bothers me when i am alone without a distraction. for example lying in bed or in the shower or in the car.

if i am surrounded by people, i'm sufficiently distracted. but then i become anxious sometimes, maybe even often.

so its a catch 22 you see. i have a long long list of things to do when i feel depressed, call a friend, go visit a place... in fact i had plans to go visit places. go to campus a couple times, go to the library, go to the conservatory... go do SOMETHING. but i don't go. i don't know if its because i'm lazy or that i like feeling miserable. i like the challenge of having this punching bag in my head that takes blows from clever thoughts bearing fisticuffs of wits.

but who i am i kidding? this is madness i speak of. true insanity. where did my sarcastic wit go? why am i afraid to speak my mind? i had a really clever response for my monster class yesterday, but i didn't say it. it was a picture of the monster truck bigfoot and the instructor was asking "what makes this a monster?" people would say "oh its big, its ridiculous, does things regular trucks can't, destroys cars, etc." for me what made this truck a monster wasn't its size or the manifestation of excess--what scared me... it was riding on Firestone tires.

should i just keep these things to myself? maybe, i don't know. i feel like my humor was advanced at a young age, and then stagnated. i understood sarcasm well before other children, and it felt good to be more read (despite not having read books but watching a boatload of bill nye and beakmans) than everyone else.

now i am just indecisive. its information overload. i want to do a cost benefit analysis of every single decision. "do you want to go a show?" what are the pros and cons of this. Its not about what i want to do... because invariably to any question involving 'do you want' i will respond no.
because i don't want. i don't want anything. what helps me want to do something is the factors involved. what is the benefit of this show? i can't decide on what i want anymore. i just fail at making quick concise decisions. thats not to through everything to the wind... but honestly, how extremely frustrating it must be for other people to sit and wait for a response from me while i play chess in my ahead about various outcomes of the opposing options.

i sit on the fence. thats what i do. infact, if i could make a living sitting on the fence, sleeping, doing digital art and playing video games... thats what i would do. i don't want to be productive member of society. i don't want to 'add value' by working for a company or corporation. thats why i am volunteering. the only reason i am going to school is to prove to somebody that i'm somebody. Which is really annoying. I don't need formal education any more, i am sick of it infact. why has this become the yardstick? when you finish school you don't quit learning, why do people act like that? everything i am going to learn at any job is going to be 100x more knowledge than i will gather at school. i don't feel like i am even learning, that was my problem last semester. maybe i should finish reading the fountainhead and find out what happens to howard roark...

i should have been down right thrilled to work with the land change modeler and write a paper about it... but i wasn't. how cool would it be to really nail down this GIS stuff and go work in south america helping people decide the direction of development or doing MCE/MOLA?

well... i just don't have the flame in my heart anymore. its been extinguished. i don't feel fired about geography. i don't know what to do anymore. i can just keep going. get my degree. do what i am suppose to do. and be thankful each day. but i don' t want to do that. and the reason why? let me explain...

i go back to anything that involves the decision making process.

i think to myself... "wow i should brush my teeth." -> "but then i have to do something while the taste leaves my mouth, because i want to eat breakfast and drink orange juice." so then what actually happens is "okay so i will shower" -> "hmm, too long in the shower, have to skip breakfast."

no if i didn't brush my teeth through out the day i will by tonguing the little pieces of plaque i feel on my teeth wishing i would have brushed my teeth. but i didn't brush them because i wanted to eat breakfast.

now what would solve all this? GET UP EARLIER YOU IDIOT.
okay fine... but let me tell you, if the first thought out of your mind when awaking from an amazing dream is 'i better get out of bed so i can brush my teeth AND eat breakfast so i don't feel anxious later' then there is something wrong with you.
the first thought in my mind when i wake up is "fuck, again? ugh."
then about an hour later i am fine, at class enjoying the day.

i am NOT a morning person. there is nothing i can do to change this.
i am a night owl. i just need to find a job where i work 2nd shift perhaps. maybe that would solve all my fucking problems. it didn't dawn on me until last friday.

but here's the thing, i've just dumped all this time and money into school so i can find a job where i won't be happy. its a dilemna.

all school has taught me is how to be good at school.. and now that i am facing real issues... my tools are breaking down. my entire world is up in flames and nothing works. and this is exactly the same thoughts that were pummeling my head just prior to my suicide attempt. it wasn't the mistakes i made prior. it wasn't the failures i encountered. it was rejection. that was the primary driver for all of it. REJECTION. this will be an entire new post. about how i don't understand it, and why my assumptions that others think like me have caused me nothing but trouble.

look, i learned though that suicide isn't the answer... well it is the answer, but its not socially acceptable and it will just piss off a lot of people. and i've had a LOT of rejection. everyone else seems to handle it just fucking fine. but i fucking lose it. i feel as it affirmation of my core beliefs that 1) everything i know and how i act is wrong 2) i can't please anybody 3) i am essentially worthless or only obtain worth temporarily which hurts even more.

i mean for FUCK SAKE. Wendi? what the hell girl. seriously. i am just angry about that one. oh but where is your empathy Phil? why can't you understand her point of view. its clear she wasn't emotionally available and dealing with a lot of stuff and just can't have a friend like you at the moment, don't feel bad, buddy. LOOK. I don't know why i can't understand her point of view, she disclosed so much information and history about her past it seems downright illogical to not understand why I was rejected. And thats just the beginning of my frustration. DO i feel SHAME for falling and being fatally attracted? do i feel destined? do i feel doomed? i don't fucking know. I JUST DON'T KNOW OKAY?

oh and i got fired yesterday.

country mile

2008-01-22T00:50:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a bit of driving lately. John and I went out to the Denny's in Hudson for the sole purpose of smoking and eating at the same time. It was fantastic. It almost felt illegal, lighting up a cigarette at a Denny's. It felt good though. Soon though Wisconsin too will fall victim to biopower and state mandated health codes. Thats fine, whatever... as long as we don't ban smoking in homes.

There is too much confusion, I can't get no relief.

I start class tomorrow, well... technically today. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'm pretty excited. I will get to meet some interesting people and make some new friends again. That prospect is probably the only thing keeping me going at the moment. No sense of fear... fear of falling back into old habits, fear of sleeping in, fear the inability to keep a schedule. Its pretty easy to deal with any creeping fear such as those... just remain mindful, realize I have purpose and get up in the morning. Easier said than done, as the maxim goes (is that a maxim? I would like to find a more appropriate word to describe that saying, I suppose).

Anyways my mind has been at battle with demons again. Thoughts of the past creep in more and more and I remain as two bucks with locked antlers... wearing a pathetic look of confusion and hopelessness as the breath from nostrils appears in the frigid cold and dissipates. Will I unlock or fall to the frozen ground and become a short lived spectacle of bitter antagonism before I am consumed by buzzards in lab coats with clipboards and stethoscopes?

Time will tell as it never keeps quiet. Sometimes I wonder how other people are doing, being that we have been ignoring each other for quite some time. I don't know how to allocate my time again... I know worrying isn't doing any good, and attempting contact is futile, but I am stubborn. How far should I go in attempts... I have remained silent for now... I debate whether or not to maintain as such... like radio-silence... how will I know when to break? What bombs must I drop? How many miles must I fly?

Everybody gets ideas before the go to bed. I usually wake up and refute them... But what if I acted on those ideas? I'm not sure. I know there are some unhealthy thoughts that gather in my mind during the day stemming from resentment... such as trying to out run the police if I am being pulled over again (at least in Bloomington, as those fucking pigs are relentless). Any other town I would gladly oblige... ugh. I am just talking crazy now.

Goose chase. For some reason that comes to mind. Not sure why... just one of those ideas I get before going to bed. I construct some sort of plan or create some actionable ideas... maybe even execute a few preliminary steps... then I awake in the morning and call myself crazy and ridiculous. Like I said, I'm not an exception here, everybody has these moments.

Typical Minnesotan: we'll see.

Thats about all I can manage to spew out in any remotely coherent sentences... the rest of my thoughts remain in an ever growing web and tangle. Just when I had some reprieve... just when the rubber band ball was coming apart into distinguishable bands of different colors, sizes and weights they find each other in the pile and wrap around each other. The ball is wrapped so tight, there remains no lacunae to speak of... it is airtight and impenetrable. Daunting is the task of meditation when these unmanageable and indecipherable thoughts are spikes of darkness piercing through any pure silence.

Again... we'll see.

nothing really rhymes with gnomic

2008-01-18T16:40:00.000-06:00

That which does not destroy us makes us stronger.

its been a while since the last entry in this wonderful blog of mine. as i started writing this i felt somewhat compelled. but now that i am here looking at the blinking vertical cursor, i forget exactly what it was i wanted to write about. i think it has something to do with that italicized line up there... but i can't be for certain.

i've spent quite a few nights now staying up too late and working in paint shop pro, making useless graphics and listening to math rock--how prosaic.

there was those first two weeks out of treatment that went really well. christmas was fantastic and then i started to slip back into my old thought patterns. new years was particularly full of torture because of my sobriety--it was a good time, but it could have been better. at the time sobriety was something to hang on to, clutch like a fledging to the edge of the nest.

but like all dumb birds i fell out of the nest last friday. picture that kitten poster... 'hang in there.' now picture gravity taking over and it falling off the cube wall onto the blue office carpet. put my stapler in jello already.

you know, everyone's heard it all before. you go to treatment... come out thinking you can really do it this time. some will say i started drinking again. some will say i never really quit. this is all semantics... and for once in my life, i truly don't give a damn about what people are saying. i am going to do what i am going to. i am not going to justify it. i am just going to let things take their course. they say your own best thinking got you here. what? i can't think my way out of this one? i will only be frustrated? you're right. well what happens when your higher power tells you to drink (short of ending up in the psych ward again) ?

look phil, the last time you 'didn't give a damn about what people are saying' you fucked over a lot of people.

well no one has come out and told me, except for my sister, that they were angry at me. so speak up or sit down. the fact is no one was saying ANYTHING. if i was in any other state, there wouldn't be my suburban home to run to. i wouldn't have gotten mugged... WHATEVER. okay? the fact is these things happened. i made some mistakes and its time to move on already. people aren't speaking... and if they are... its not to me. and i need to be the person you are talking to if you really give a flying fuck.

how conceited? people actually read this shit? people talk about you?

look, i don't dictate how people direct their conversations... thats the point. its out of my control and out of my realm. and that is it.

i'm that guy. i'm that guy that is going to question everything until the initial smirks of satire are replaced by gnarling teeth of animosity. i'm that fucking guy. not all the time... but i am a cynic, and i feel somehow i have abandoned my true self somewhere along the way here. oddly enough... self. what a construction! SELF. defined as what? a persistent stream of consciousness? its funny how reality is defined... the concepts of time alluding to 'persistence'--what is persistence anyways? something is until it isn't? i'm not looking to write myself into a corner here... just looking to draw a door and knock three times. anyways the point being here is that 'self' is a paradox--it is changing and unchanging. what is to say i am not an entirely different being? physically all of my living cells (except my brain) have died and been reborn again and again. in a short amount of time, the physical me is almost entirely different. but there it is again... different... implying an initial state. okay so we can define a snapshot and compare them through the vehicle of time. but difference is perception. we've all played PHOTOHUNT. we don't catch all the differences. sometimes we see difference where there is none.

so whats different this time around? i've got one person telling me DON'T DRINK! it wasn't even an issue until i made it one. look... i don't know what life is all about, but i'm pretty sure i want to optimize pleasure on this sticky blue sphere in a black void. i smoke cigarettes... they will kill me. but you know what else is going to kill me? time. cellular degeneration. look... the plain simple fact is that i am acting accordingly. i was speeding... i got tagged with a $142 fine. i broke the law. we all break the law. just some of us make a habit of it, others make a living of it.

i'm not a bad person. who is my creator? i don't know. but i'm still here after all those pills... and someone or something out there means something to me. right now its all fuzzy, and the immediate past is all too bright... a lighthouse lamp illuminating a shipwreck. i am going to listen to the music i like. play the games i like. eat food i like and drink what i like. i'll put that in my pipe and smoke it.

then again you are probably thinking... all the signs are here--that i am fated to be a hapless drunk crying over yesterday and feeding a festering demon fearing the future. genetics. dad's an addict, mom's an alcoholic. i'm just doing this to prove something. NO. i don't need to prove my right to live on this planet. that is OUT of my CONTROL.

i don't need to be drunk to be an asshole. i don't need to be an asshole when i'm drunk either.

so how do i go about making amends?

well, not like this. thats for sure. i'm sorry. but those words don't mean anything. all i can do for me and you is stay out of the morgue. simple. just keep breathing. be mindful. be thankful. put things out of your control into some other forces' laws and rules. be it a creator, be it Q.

The nexus is coming, i'm not up there on that platform fighting for nothing.

school, life, etc.

2007-10-10T01:37:00.000-05:00

School:

Well we are covering MCE and MOLA in my Human-Environment GIS class. I still haven't decided what exactly I want to do my project on; but I have narrowed it down to a) running through the IDRISI LCM tutorial exercises with a local datasets or b) running through the UNITAR Change/Time Series exercises using local data. I need to create some sort of objective or thesis though. Just running through the first couple tutorial LCM using the canned data has demonstrated the power of the LCM, but I am having a tough time thinking outside the box here. I need to construct a 600 word proposal by the 26th.

There is significant overlap in my classes, i am surprised more geography students don't pursue higher level statistics--aside from the fact that its a lot of work and sometimes difficult--but mostly just time consuming. Image regression; OLS; modeling. Sometimes i just feel like i am drowning in terminology. It can be overwhelming.

I have my first STAT 5302 exam Friday, i've skimmed the exam data sheets, tomorrow i plan on doing some of the homework problems with the data--hopefully i will be able to prepare adequately for this exam. I am still getting used to the new notation in this class versus previous classes. The command line syntax for Arc (the stat software we use) is quite different from what i am used to which is R. Arc is quite elegant though, a decent GUI and menu based application that allows one to easily add variates. however simple operations are a little more tricky. In R i could operate on a vector named X easily by typing in something like

X<-c($data)
X2<-X^2
sum(X2)
sd(X)

but in Arc if i wanted to do that i need to first specify the operation and then the numbers/variables so if i wanted to do 4.5^2 i would have to type

(^ 4.5 2)

it gets tricky with more complex things because everything needs to be nested in ('s

all and all i just need some more practice at it. the tabular output in Arc is very nice, and the plots are interactive where as plots in R are static. i guess its a preference thing. the summary output and ANOVA output is pretty standard, though Arc has some awesome capabilities though. I feel Arc definitely has a EDA edge where in R you have to know what you are doing/going for.

Life:

Well things are looking up. I've got to give kudos to John lately for helping pound some things into my skull as well as kudos to Don for being supportive. I need to reevaluate my discourse on life. Its been way too negative and overly critical. For a long time I was just seeing a lot of negativity and dwelling on that. Its easy to do when things are actually cruddy. But i let it drag on way too long. Storms in August? Its October... forget about it. Broken car? whatever i got a new one now and should be good to go with it by next tuesday. Broken heart? Its my own damned fault and its time to move on. Drunken outbursts/mistakes? Getting mugged? Dealing with fraud services on my cards? All water under the bridge.

Its time to for me move forward. Its time to reincorporate myself into society and start doing some good for a change. I gotta take care of myself. Everyone tells me that. I don't know exactly what taking care of myself is, but i know my first priority is being more positive.

Its not easy... moderating thoughts and emotions... constantly keeping my wondering mind in check. But its getting easier. I need to learn to love myself... something i've never really ever done. I need to be more engaged.

How i go about all this... i have no idea. But i am not as worried about having no ideas as i once thought it was all a lost cause. Sure i still question existence and purpose, but i can't dwell on those things right now. maybe when i make a living wage and run out of hobbies i can look more into that... but now is not the time or place. I need to pick my mental battles and reevaluate priorities.

I'm getting there.

Etc.

New Radiohead album is out; going to listen to it tomorrow morning. FOX News has been on a kick about some study from PNAS and briefly talked with Ken Caldeira. "Listen up tree-huggers" FOX is rediculous. First of all, this study was released in April, second Caldeira wrote an article in the NY Times about this in January. NEW STUDY: TREES TRAP HEAT IN HIGH LATITUDES--OMG! Thanks FOX, i had no idea that forest albedo was different from snowcover albedo!$@$ Amazing!@$

WE REPORT-YOU DECIDE--I decided FOX needs to take a chill pill. maybe go cut down some trees in Canada or something...

somethin musta happened...

2007-09-23T23:38:00.000-05:00

gazing down the black stretch of washington ave the high pressure sodium lamps rain down an eery orange glow that washes out the creeping darkness. the winds are calm at this hour, not even the faint ruckus of rushing waters behind me disturb the inner calm. marching up countless flights of jagged metal grids and over a few catwalks have left me breathless. the beauty of the view tries to squeeze one more gasp out of me, and i willingly let it.

standing in room 1245 of the downtown hyatt i hesitate to take in the view. a high speed elevator carried me to this sterile room, all neat and pressed. it was no arduous task, i didn't even need to use the keycard to activate the guest room floors, despite the hospital red polyvinyl chloride sign indicating it was during the hours i would need to--it was after 11pm. there is no reward from this vertical movement.

standing here, atleast 120 feet above nicollet mall, facing south away from downtown, is a far cry from a few years ago on top of gold medal. here alone in this modern chamber, a product of the business elite, i can only speculate to the happenings in this very room during nights prior.

my imagination runs amok. a little person traveling with a circus sitting on the edge of this king sized perfect-sleep, trembling from a near miss earlier when a late model mercedes ml-320 nearly took him out as it was incorrectly backing out of the valet stall. he flips on the television and is warned of the charges he will be assessed. whats a black circus midget doing in the regency anyways? this isn't working... next.

two college--for lack of a better term--bro's getting ready to pay for tuition with two hi8 cams and young coed named mila they met on campus. this film is gonna make a ton of money, bro. brad looks over at his buddy william, clutch. its mila time. we all know where this is heading... think more realistically.

a lonely business man, powers up his laptop and opens his browser, the stupid jerk still uses IE 6.0. 19.95 for internet? may as well. lets see here... he brings up craigslist... and as quickly as he hits return in the address field he closes the browser window. what about my wife... my kids. daddy is 1100 miles away from washington--manhattan route. he rides the elevator down to ground level, just as i am about to.

in the bar two gentleman are replacing the point of sales system. the piny smell erupts from freshly installed wall paneling. a hypnotic hum from the power supply of the bud light sign pierces through the melodramatic rantings of a long forgotten football star as he struggles to grip the attention of a beer-filled 30-something crowd crying over foul fantasy picks.

how can i help you, hon? spinach and artichoke dip, she must know i'm from uptown--the defacto appetizer for those with a "more sophisticate palate." sure, anything to drink? a summit epa. i chow down the pita and dip, there's plenty of dip left, i wave over bev and ask for two shots of patron silver. need a back? uh.... no. wait... some limes would do well. i'm feeling pretty good about now, the maroon and gold on the wall fades out of my mind's eye and is drowned in my subconscious. i stagger out the revolving door of the lobby past marble fountains. i sit on the bench and light a djarum black. its that time.

a bellboy looking like the offspring of james edward olmos and eric bana is waving to a buddy valeting a car. he walks over to me. lovely night. do you get a lot of these? what? 20-something college kids not knowing where they are heading in life checking into $160/night rooms after the first week of school just to escape the madness? no, not really. well here i am. i am studying geography and statistics. i'm originally from bloomington. jerusalem... well palestine. really?

we converse for about 30 minutes or so, he talks about how the FBI seeks native-speakers of arabic and pays them six figures to spend their days translating thousands of documents looking for terrorist ciphers. sure beats the pick-market.

again, not needing the keycard, its well after 12am, i ride the elevator back to the 12th floor. staying in a four-star and checking out without incurring additional charges is like walking through a minefield. $2.95 bottles of water sitting out. telephones with 40 buttons and special instructions. little pamphlets reminding you that room service is finger twitch away. don't turn on the television, don't pick up the phone, don't make yourself coffee.

you are afraid to even mess up the bed. but seriously, how are you going to sleep with 10 fucking toss pillows and 3 comforters? on the floor they go. the cornflower sky peeks between the slits of the medical-grade curtains hanging against the double pane glass windows. they don't slide, they don't crank, they don't move. this is luxury at its finest.

i wake up alone. i check out alone. do you need a receipt? yes. well you incurred no charges, the one you printed out from your order should suffice. out the revolving doors i go--my gut says head north. downtown is a quiet place at certain hours. i recount the 24 hours of music as i pass peavey plaza. i could go for some food team right about now. i could also go for some gold medal roof about now. neither of those could fill the hole in my heart.

despite the sense of accomplishment and grandiose view, the ultimate sensation of reward, i must choke down the fact that it is one place or view i will never experience again. i once got a fortune cookie with two fortunes in it. feeling particularly greedy that day i took two cookies. the second cookie i unwrapped was missing a fortune. sometimes life has a way of balancing out immediately. other times it takes days, weeks, months even years before an equilibrium is achieved. i can say for certain that the season i am experiencing now is certainly an empty fortune cookie.

Drama dot com, Dear Reader.

2007-09-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

i've been quick to blame myself for a lot of problems recently. while i have my fair share of "blame" whatever that may be, i am going to eventually have to come to terms with somethings just aren't my fault.
fortunately for me i understand false rupture points and their successive false dichotomies. i am thankful that i know i can't hinge all my problems on one decision, but rather must take a holistic approach and realize shit just happens in a nodular networked fashion, and no one instance or decision can be solely to blame. for that i am thankful that i can maintain some proper perspective and realize that all of the events that have occurred, while with varying likelihoods, are independent.

i honestly thought high-drama was going to be as exciting as the media and literature makes it out to be. you know, burn bright, fly high, die fast. yada yada yada. there are definitely certain fulcrums that can be played with--no doubt. turns out they are harder to move back into proper place once the balance has been broken. and it only takes just a nudge to displace them. yes yes, i know i speak in analogies quite a bit, and the meaning is not always clear, often not even to me. "kannst du das erklaren?" nein.

so for the time being i won't make any big decisions. how could i?? under this hazy cloud i can only turn on the fogs and pray a deer doesn't stray in front of me. so i accelerate with caution, still moving forward. i'm getting my school work (for the most part) done. i can continue to maintain a vague routine. i can continue to cognitively battle the creeping demons in my mind. but i can only suppress what currently appear to be primal urges for so long before something breaks down. alcohol or not, i am definitely some sort of boiler without a release valve. i've found the lever that cranks up the pressure and makes the whole thing pop, and now i can try and avoid that... but that leaves me with what option? a slow building destructive tendency... a train gathering momentum, wheels grinding and churning, careening about the rails until finally something snaps and buckled metal, twisted axles and broken bolts fly across the tracks--a bowl of cheerios; wheels of whole grains entangled with ceramic shards soaked in a white liquid that does a body good.

i don't know. sometimes you just gotta look harder for that "Whole Grain" logo in life and hope it means something to you find it. For now that logo is lost, and all i see is gold and maroon with a slight possibility of finding some green in my pocket at the end of all of this. and if thats what it takes to get up in the morning, and not the promise of some simple pleasure like a cool breeze at just the right moment... so be it. anyways i've gone on far too long.

i thank everybody in advance for their support. eventually i'll come around--wann und wie? Ich weiß nicht.

the week in review!$

2007-08-29T01:43:00.000-05:00

i am sorry if this post seems so drab... its a struggle to recollect what until now was the blurriest week in a long time.

THE BAVARIAN BEAST IS NO MORE

so the bimmer finally gave way a few days ago. too bad really. it had over 200 grand on the odometer so no real surprise, it lasted me for about 6 years. anyways i am seeking a new vehicle. the car i wanted to look at was a '93 red 525i touring wagon... it sold 3 hours before i got to the dealer. then i looked and drove a '92 black 525i wagon... the ride was excellent except for a rattle which could be either shock mounts or something else... the body was solid, but the dual panel sunroof wasn't functioning. i think it'd be a fantastic car if it were in better shape. if i had the time and resources, i'd hunt down the exact car i want no matter the distance and go drive it home or whatever. oh well. i am going to look at a '88 325i with under 140k on it tomorrow... hopefully i'll find something here soon.

WALKER ART CENTER
THURSDAY

so the picasso and american art exhibit was pretty solid. my two favorite pieces i saw was max weber's bather and pollock's untilted 18. i had a pretty good time even though it was crowded--alana liked jasper johns' work the most. also at the sculpture garden i saw a gopher for the first time in person. the colors of the flowers at the arbor were insane. the artichoke (image right) was neon purple. i can't really describe it, maybe it was just the overcast/cloudiness but i don't think i've ever seen "nature" produce such vivid colors. even the desert phlox was glowing... who knows.

i liked "bather" the most because it was for lack of a better term... 'mathematical' it had a great deal of depth. it looked like 3 or 4 paintings calculated and woven together. it was fantastic.

after the museum we went to uptown luce. i had tiramisu for the first time in a long time. it was delicious. then i dropped off an extra slice of pizza at hollywood for don to chow down on.

JORGEN'S VISIT
SATURDAY

well i didn't bother to introduce myself, let alone talk to anyone in the LEGO CEO's entourage. no regrets here. he is very tall, and he wore some stylin' nike's. what do you do when the CEO of privately owned internation toy dynasty comes into your store? if you are me, you answer "[your] job"

and thats what i did for the whole ordeal. i just did my job and that was that. also the day before i took this fancy picture with jango fett. sometimes it gets lonely in the cage... don't read into that too much.

MAGNOLIA ELECTRIC CO.
SATURDAY

if a fat smashed ukrainian woman ever offers you a drink after ranting about her shitty lab job and having zero remorse for injecting rats with diabetes... for the love of god run as far away as possible. no amount of booze is worth having the amount of trouble i had to endure while trying to enjoy a show at 7th street. ugh. she followed don and i everywhere and kept grabbing us and i kept trying to be nice and telling her to leave us alone. she didn't get it... at all. don wanted to see jason molina for like 3 years now, and missed the last time they were in town so i basically decided to take one for the team and be a human barrier all night. i swatted her hands and arms away from us like a dozen times. god it was disgusting and annoying.

afterwards she followed us into TML at the main room. i told her to take a cab home and leave us alone. TML was pretty good, but i was so tired i couldn't stay and walked home alone. i ran into jason molina loading his van as i walking and stopped in a drunken stupor to congradualte him on a great show where "i had a lot of fun" and wished him "good luck on your next show at your next venue." i shook his hand and he thanked me for letting him know i had a good time and that the show was good. he seems like a pretty cool dood.

the music kind of reminds of neil young, the song "i've been riding with the ghost" sounds like a tribute... but even better. it was amazing live. completely unrelated--the public restroom at 7th street is probably the best one i've seen in a while.

jimmy johns on nicollet and franklin is open until 3am on fri/sat i find out as approach home. i stopped in and got a beach club no sprouts. first time in about the last 10 sandwiches i ordered that way where there weren't any sprouts in it. i was outta smokes and bought one from the sandwich maker, and then talked to the manager/operator outside while smoking a camel robusta. it was okay. they are hiring at minimum wage, and i'm not interested. but it was a good small talk conversation and everyone left happy, especially me with a sandwich that i demolished before i got to apartment building.

FORT MAKEOUT ROOF
MONDAY

So i went on the roof of FM yesterday. the view was astonishing. downtown lit up. this is what i live for. it reminded me of Gold Medal flour... how i miss urban exploration. looking down washington ave. looking across the river at stonearch bridge. bittersweet really.

prior to the roof adventure was rum and coke time. ryn requires odd numbers, so when i told her i put 6 ice cubes in my drink instead of 5, it was just about game over (i kid, i kid). anyways i actually did have 5 ice cubes in my drink, 3 standard 'cubes' and 2 triangular prism 'cubes'. it made a bear paw in my drink. unrelated, on the chalkboard a crude phallic drawing became a calico cat with a spiked collar thanks to my quick wit and artistic prowess... unfortunately this was not photographically documented.

STORM 2.0
TUESDAY

the south metro has taken a pounding this month. this last storm took down a few more trees, 2 of my dad's neighbors and another one of my dad's spruce plus a white pine thats about to fall on the house if it isn't properly felled (sp? gr?)

anyways there is definitely more sky to view now.

well i am going ot bed now. 'night.

yet another drunken blog.

2007-08-23T01:57:00.000-05:00

i am so selfish. narcissistic. pathetic. epitome of everything i wish i wasn't. and here it is. one keystroke at a time. falling apart. so melodramatic. so insignificant. its good to know that people know when to call it quits. i sure as hell don't. i go on and on and on. and if someone were to ever reciprocate. the on and on-ness. i know would have found somebody. somebody worthwhile. someone with a mind as unquiet as mine. someone as unsure as me. someone who gives a fuck about themselves for once. everyone is a fucking welcome mat. i just need somebody with wisdom. somebody who knows how to just not shut the fuck up. someone who spills their fuckingguts. and doesn't give a fuck. a free fucking spirit. a cork in teh ocean. one day i will find another cork

one day i will see another person lost. drowning. i won't want to help them, i will drown with them...
and in misery adn patheticness and complete utter uselessness we will provide the necessary cosmic diffusion...
the necessary combination of intricacies...
of small details and highlights...
of small words and big thoughts.

i desire someone with the same ability to just fucking forget everything for a fucking moment. to forget about the now, and the past, and the later. to completely reject reality and just deal with the submeasureable times. the moments. THE MOMENTS. not even the THE NOW. but the very existence of non-time.

to put aside all the history. to forget forcasting. to embrace the randomness and unknown.

there is someone out there. or something out there. something transcendant. something beyond all of this corporeal bullshit. something enchanting. something excited.

take a deep breath. forget distraction. forget escape. become the distraction, become the escape. become the atom. become the wind and the air and the ether. become the numbers... become the variable. embrace the cork. embrace the ocean. take the waves for what they are. movers. TAKE IN THE MOTION.

someone out there shares the vision. if not the vision, the means to a vision. if not the means... the raw notion of potential to create the prerequesite conditions for launching such a train of thought. or derailing. anything. SOMEONE IS FUCKING OUT THERE. just like my car. just my right index finger. just like the clawing of the light against your closed eyelids. the red blur. the unfiltered sun. the rays are only scattered and diffused so much, some of it is direct. how minute... how incalculable--it does not matter. there is someone out there who understands that red blur. the green and purple pulses as you press your palms to your teared eyes.

the flashing and wild jerking motion taking place just on the surface of your eye. that which inspires and corrects your dreams. when there is a voice, or a smell, or a sound--any sensory input which you percieve in your dream. the ridges of a quarter in your pocket, the tone of the voice of the unknown. all of these are indications of something deep. something greater than oneself. the assemblance and convulution of inputs and events manifest in what you can only assume is a dream.

a dream that you desire whenever you close your eyes. the dream you wish you never wake up from, because its that fucking good. FUCK ME she says. and you do. you kick out your broom and fly without. you kick out the glass to your front window, you jump through and look up at the sky,rendered unlike any thing you've ever seen before. UNBELIEVABLE. you can't understand what is happening, but you embrace it. you take in the shapes and colors. the sounds and smells. your mind is taking you on a journey unbeknownst to you. your knuckles white. your teeth gritting. and you just go for it. you don't havethe time of fucking day. the jets fly over. the roar is not present. something is wrong. a giant flash. a fireball. a broken elevator. a crushing wave. a submarine, a ship, a boat. out of no where. a pair of dark black eyes on a gray face staring into your subsconscious... perhaps staring out. perhaps the being is you. and you are too stupid to realize it. maybe you are ET. maybe the incarnation of others... of alterity... is completely enclosed within the confines of your own mind and we are all too blind to realize the bitter obviousness of self-alienation.

AND THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

the moments of simultaneous conception and rejection. where you create and deny at the same moment. when this breaks down, thats when things go pearshaped. when you fail to reject false constructions... false in the sense that they are unobserved by any trusted witness. false in teh sense that even if they did happen, everyone denies it. false in teh sense that there is someone out there who knows everything there is to know about life and lives it to the fullest.

diametric opposition suggests that against the knowledge lies something on the other end. some sort of unknowledge.

and this about the point where you realize everythin gyou just said, everything you just typed, was probably already created by someone else. someone else said this all before, its probably in a goa trance song as a sample from film you may or may not have watched.

ITS ALL PREDICTABLE.

and there you have it. RIGHT FUCKING THERE. SO PREDICT AWAY. but under every pseudo random patters emerge. there is no doubting that in our attempts to ossify randomness, we have only created another pattern in teh string of patterns.

second hand story time.

2007-08-22T21:21:00.000-05:00

i've decided to create some posts pertaining to keen observations made by fellow employees at work. this one is brought to us by jimbo.

picture if you will a child at the LEGO Imagination Center Mall of America. He is surrounded by everything LEGO; 8 ft. tall dinosaurs, a giant globe, the entire line of LEGO products. This kid is probably from Watertown, MN, or any other small town supersuburban place where the biggest deal is the Target 10 miles away.

There he is standing outside our office. He should be overjoyed by the colors and fantastic plastic. The sheer amount of man hours put into these massive creations is staggering, beyond anyone persons' understanding or grasp. And this child, what does he do, he knocks around the walls to the glass office door, tapping like a puppy, eyes glazed and all. It is not the fanciful creations, or the drool-over toys, but rather what has caught this young lad's eyes is shiny brushed metal. The housing to the lock on the office door.

For minutes he spins the brushed aluminum ring. With each rotation one questions his sanity. There is a giant t-rex made of LEGO 4 feet behind you. There is a moon made of bricks, Mare Tranquillitatis in old dark grey. Another rotation; screeching of unlubed metal shivers your spine, you just want to smack this kid. Go back to Watertown.

but it could be home, it could be home, it could be home, it could be home

2007-07-28T03:32:00.001-05:00

i left work early today. i got in and lasted about 15 minutes then just about lost it. i was overwhelmed with the people there, i just needed a break. the mall is so fucking loud, its rediculous. normally i can just stave it off, the madness usually can subside in my mind and i can just focus on the task at hand. but today i couldn't, i think maybe i ate some bad food or something. i had chipotle for lunch, and sometimes that makes me lathargic, but never anxious. either way i'm 100% sure the primary culprit here was lack of sleep. lack of sleep destroys my ability to maintain mental faculties sometimes, today was the one day where it just all comes to a head, the noise of the mall, the massive crowds, the horde. i went home and took a most excellent nap. but prior to the nap was some interesting moments of restlessness.

i am getting really excited about the new apartment i am moving to. i know it sounds pretty materialistic righ tnow, but here's what i am definitely looking forward to: 1) wall of guitars. 2) lego and movie posters. 3) putting up some of my framed artwork. 4) random lego on display. 5) the tiki guy!

its gonna be one seriously word situation. i guess i'm not looking forward to washing dishes, but i hear dish soaps makes your hands soft and right now i am having some serious issues from all the fucking cardboard i handle at work, so as long as its restorative and not making my skin on my hands weak, i will be okay.

i have been smoking way too much lately. each cigarette has become an event. its to the point where i am sitting there, waiting for some sort of epiphany. some sort of self-realization to occur with each inhalation. the smoke singes, destroying fleeting thoughts and conjuring new ones simultaneously. though my mind and soul remains unquenched. the desires grow and defies all logic. why would i want to destroy myself--but here i am wanting more and more.

vice requires delicate attention and persistent maintenance which really makes it more of a hobby, or sometimes an obsession, which in of itself is vice. so i guess what i am experiencing is meta-vice--how perverse and wonderful! seriously though, i am pretty good at living with my faults, and sometimes my faults result in experience beyond comprehension and beyond words. its not entirely a bad thing. sometimes there are wonderful mistakes--i think that on my grave marker (assuming i'm not cremated, which wouldn't be such a bad deal imho) i would want it to read something like... "mistakes were made though bills were paid" or something just really cynical. a final laugh in a long line of laughs.

is it twisted i am thinking of this right now? jesus. probably. anyways what is life without challenge, without paroxysmic episodes, without action and thus reaction. in the West we are quick to associate all action with "cost"--which for simplicity sake is often sufficient. but i would like to remove that idea of "cost" from situations that don't explicitly concern monetary or trade related issues. it is not cost you incur, it is simply some sort of result from inputs, and in life there is not invisible hand, no collective good will or intentions. these things can't be measured or gauged in any universal fashion, nor should they be. just appreciate what you have. sometimes i worry that my part of my subconscious has taken a vacation, but this is for another rant at another time.

sometimes i just want to dance. silly i know. not real dance. like, whatever. i just want to move and spaz out. just go nuts. totally and completely fucking nuts. maybe there is something to be said about that. i wouldn't read it into though. not this late anyways... another smoke and then its bed time.

srsly.

2007-07-25T14:24:00.000-05:00

a white ribbon appeared in the sky as drove, defying other clouds with its sharp defined edges. i couldn't tell at first if it was painted by a searchlight from some desperate establishment, but the obvious answer eluded me until i had shifted directions from southbound to eastward. the ribbon twisted into an awkward oval and framed within was the illuminator--the moon. which in of itself produces no light but reflects the electromagnetic yield of our closest star. the ribbon broke apart.

you see, i am not entirely jaded. i am never bored with the moon or the clouds, nor could imagine being in that position. sheesh. that would be sleep calling. i will imagine a tree with many branches, recursive and reflexive, with its many orders and levels serving one trunk.

seriously i need to go to bed.

media digest. 2057, golden plump and bjork

2007-07-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

we get exposed to a lot of stuff. a lot of advertising and with them explicit/implicit messages and agendas. they are all wrapped up in a media package, be it billboard, tv show, music video, whatever. i find it necessary to take a break from time to time and just write down thoughts about some of the more successful salvos striking amidst this media barrage.

golden plump: so i was driving up cedar ave the other day and there is this billboard for golden plump. it had the text:

"Raised right, right here."

i mean... really? it sounded so dick when i read it in my head. like... Raised right..... right here. The second part negating the first part entirely in a sarcastic smarmy tone. Like, not only are these birds not raised (in any meaninful sense) but they aren't even raised right. and if they were raised... they aren't raised right. they are just raised right here. Raised right here. but not raised right. i think am hitting the boundaries of text of here trying to explain how rediculous this slogan is.

anyways when i see a golden plump billboard i am always reminded of the defaced one on lyndale and lake street. there was a giant bird on it, and its head extended beyond the billboard, so an extension was made to support the head. at some point someone removed the extension and splattered a bucket of red paint at the neck of the bird. i couldn't figure out if it was the result of viral advertising, a disgruntled employee, an animal rights protest or what. it for me will remain a mystery.

bjork: right now i have the bjork hunter video/song stuck in my head. i'm pretty sure there is no one else on this planet that can orchestrate facial expression and movement quite like her. its violent and exaggerated, but flows so insanely well. its like watching a contradiction. the emotion is so exacted in her movement and face, but at the sametime it is not over the top. i don't know if i can really explain the reaction i get. just about everyone will have a song or two in their playlist, and will describe that song containing an "eargasm." i guess its kind of like that but with eye. but i don't want to say eyegasm because that doesn't make any sense, because it still incorporates the audio and visual for the full effect. anyways another loss for words.

in the future, insurance companies are still dicks: thanks dr. michio kaku. 2057 is the kind of show where you watch it just so you can see video clips of things happening labs around the world and some neat mock ups of prototypes, etc. however, in 2057 you also have to sit through a lot of speculative bullshit social commentary and rediculous soap opera acting.

well i am gonna go nap. here look at this. its a big duckie.

the times they are a-changin'

2007-07-08T03:15:00.000-05:00

wow. i don't even know what to say or where to start with this post. i can't just say "it's been one of those weeks."

because it hasn't been one of those weeks. lets just say its been one hell of a rollercoaster.

i think i'm still riding out those little bumps at the end. most coasters have that big drop at the beginning, then there are some ups and downs and twists and turns. but right at the end of the ride, often there are those "bunny hills"

little grassy knolls of minimal fluctuation, but still impacting. not necessarily a brief summary of the ride, but rather a preparation for the end--assuming an end exists. for some therein lies the problem, an end. because the end presupposes a beginning and hints at the possibility of another beginning after the end. this constructed rift provides comfort? provides a framework?

what the fuck am i even talking about. i guess i just experienced the corkscrew of the rollercoaster recently. its a confusing wonderful mess. awe-inspiring. exhilirating, scary, breathtaking, etc. the evidence of precise engineering is apparent, though no one needs to see the blueprints to enjoy what it brings and excites.

some people concern themselves with those blueprints a bit too much. i don't think i'm that kind of person.

writing this vague isn't very helpful. atleast not to me when i look back at this some time in the future and try to decypher what it is exactly i am i trying to say.

sleepy rants. concocted. calculated.

my fingers run across this keyboard, as they tend to seek words to type and are completed before my cognitive brain si even aware of it. is that dangerous? no because there exists some filter. some confusing, conviluting filter that reconstructs raw emotion into meaningless verbage and rants.

i think i know what dangerous is. and this rant is far from it. it is a docile manifestation of the frustrations and confusion. of the joys and excitements. of the news and olds and the underlying drive to diametically oppose everything, even abstracts that need no such binary opposition.

everything can be extruded or exploded. black in opposition to white... grey in opposition to non-grey.

the problem is opposition. perhaps its merely position. prime.

tut tut, it feels like pain.

2007-06-29T03:10:00.000-05:00

pristine snowpack under a full moon, the naked branches of a silver maple casting dark arteries on the glistening surface. midnight blue sky, calm conditions, stillness.

thats what i thought of today as i drove home, the safety glass shards on the shoulder of the freeway sparkled like the top of the KOSMOS hotel. there are some things left best appreciated in solitude. the rarity of the situation is appreciated at one level, but lost in awe i don't worry about the disturbing of the snow at a later time, nor am i reassured by concluding that on some level this has been appreciated in the past and will likely be enjoyed by someone in the future.

it is not the essence of the moment captivating me. it is the image. call it transcendental. call it ralph fucking waldo emerson. but to do so brings the world crashing down around. you might as well jump in that snow and occlude the lunar light at that point. i think not of these labels or these things. i simply for one moment in my life am to forget all that. forget the textbooks. forget the lectures. forget what they call it. call it the heisenberg uncertainty principle. the impossibility of one observation at the expense of another. call it working at barnes and noble's after sinking 40 large on an education.

i can't calculate my emotion staring into the snow. i can't use iambic pentameter to write a poem or distribute this moment in a digestable for the masses matter. this moment is mine. its not selfish to me. this is the place i return to on days where things are askew. on days where you just need a moment. fuck snickers. seriously. prancing nougat? try saying minnehaha without laughing.

i remember the snow. and all this time i thought i was an autumn guy. give me that one day. that one snowfall. that one clear sky. that one full moon. let these things coincide and create that moment. but do not read into it. do not reproduce this moment in a formulaic work of art for all to enjoy. take that moment you have, grip it tighter. it does not fall through your fingers, does it?

thats the kind of moment we all need. you can't have it every day. or even once a year. it may only happen once, but it embeds it so deeply within you, that it doesn't matter.

how frustrating and painful it has become. the tumults of pop culture. theres an oxymoron. imagine living through dada. imagine reducing oneself to primal urges to fight the manifestations of primal urges. the lowest common denominator? try zero on for size. we're definitely somewhere else now. the ignorant and seemless transition of abstraction and perversing form. like there is some appropriate way to render the abstract. there i go again, getting caught in diametrical thought. plays on no. no plays on yes. whatever. there are 4 lights.

anyways, there it is. there you are. someday i hope you find yourself in that moment; staring out a window, or embracing the air surrounding you in that moment. seize that moment. seriously. you are going to need it.

am i going insane?

2007-05-06T22:46:00.000-05:00

I am seriously starting to think there are some weird things going on in my apartment. I am sitting at my computer desk when i suddenly notice this very weird low frequency sensation. i can't explain, but when i am i sitting at my computer chair on standing near it i feel what is similiar to driving down the freeway with the windows open, but with out the sound of moving air, just the pressure against the ear drum. i hear something, too, its like a quiet but deep low frequency. if i move 2 feet to the left or right i don't hear or feel it anymore. its this constant droning.

i am wondering if its psychosomatic. why can't we all have tricorders? then i could prove i'm not fucking crazy.

anyways anyone else ever get weird things like this? where they hear sounds in very specific places? i am trying to drown it out right now with fans and stuff. its just creepy because it is so low-pitched and i can't imagine what short of a subwoofer or some sort of industrial machine could produce what i am hearing. and its focused in this very defined box.

anyways i am going to be glad to get out this time/place.

the semester is almost over. if i survive this, i will feel proud. if i don't survive this, i think i might just throw in the towel and it will be time to move on to something else. i wouldn't mind some sort of radical change at this point.

i need to go to the dentist. i need to go to the optometrist and i need a hair cut. not necessarily in that order.

Re: Chuck bless America

2007-04-24T19:17:00.000-05:00

Original post

I would argue that a) Global trade has become efficient... at making the West rich! b) the United States does not submit to a lot of international convention, i.e. The World Court, etc. and c) the doors of "global" communication have not been blown off, they are just more visible and it looks like its going to take a lot of infrastructure investment (and computers) for places in Africa to be connected.

How to distinguish between patriotism and blind nationalism? How would one say a continuum of those two options exist while matters are much more manifold than that? For sake of simple argument say one can distinguish between Patriotism and nationalism; that is to presuppose that one end of this spectrum there is an 'acceptable' level of love for one's country and on the other end there is an 'unacceptable' level of love for one's country. One immediately conjurs little x's on this line--those x's representing some sort of level corresponding to a wide variety of variables that can not be delineated easily. However some variables are most easily recognizable, such as inaction vs. action. But to what end does inaction or action serve to patriotism or nationalism? Where does one place inaction about disapproval vs. action about approval? These are not quantifiable measurements.

For me, labels like "patriotism" or "nationalism" are not helpful in ascertaining identity; if one can even precisely describe whom oneself is in relation to a space they "belong" to. For the nation and government that seeks to defend and protect its citizens puts a lot of work into mathematizing its people. The bitter irony is that to improve individual freedom (within our current governments framework) we must extract citizens from a qualitative existence and place them into database. Then from the numbers crank out some scheme to 'maximize' or perform optimally. But all of these steps and operations are done with very little meta-analysis. That is to say that we create statistical solutions without always realizing the impact of such solutions. We can (or could) maximize health care in this nation to create optimal conditions for long healthy lives... because we place a 'value' on life.

On one hand we have the near elimination of "Death tax" thus placing some in fear of a returning aristocracy (did it ever leave?) So we have taboo'd death, the country has invested so much in your life, that for you to go and die on us is pitiful. We made food pyramids, took on big tobacco, beat up asbestos industries, launched national vaccination programs... and you have the audacity to die.

But now we have a "greying" population. Elder citizens that do not contribute taxes, except in death. And now look where we are. We talk about them as if they are a burden. We've completely alienated them. Its not a big deal when someone lives to be a certain age anymore... but its a 'shame' when they die so young at another certain age. And in the context of government, you are social security numbers and votes. What you actually may or may not care about is not the business of the government anymore.

The Hollireth machine made inventory like the above possible, little punch cards empowered the Nazi party by increasing efficiency of logistics, allocation and ultimately to optimize human extermination.

Things are thus further complicated... the united states is an interesting place, many people here have different levels of geographical identity; some first identify first with their city,their state or their country often depending on the scale they are operating on; often we make some identity without regard to any specific context, do i first identify myself as an American or do i first identify myself from Minneapolis?

anyways i lost my train of thought a while ago.

Metadata, Academia, Google.

2007-03-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Metadata, data about data. I find it increasingly odd that no one has developed a universal metadata application. I write a lot of papers and do a lot of projects. These projects have numerous sources and the data i use goes through various format conversions, cut and paste operations, etc. There are TONS of standards out there, and with the ability of software such as Google to identify words or phrases, i don't understand why there isn't some sort of killer app for metadata/citation/bibliographic information.

Why hasn't a company such as Google tackled the issue of automatically logging or capturing sources from web browsers, office clipboard, etc. It would seem to me that Google has the capability to develop some sort of software that would heuristically capture and record information regarding the source and transformation of data.

I guess what I want is to be able to copy a graphic off a website and have the source information tagged and standardized to be able to export or present in a variety of fashions. I want a really evolved header data for all data. We have the computing power, where is the software to do these things seamlessly?

Why should i have to copy and paste and manually format citations? I mean there are various online things like RefWorks, EndNote, etc... But why isn't there a coherent standard, or atleast an application to capture various standards and index and save the information for later use.

Imagine the following scenario. I grab some ArcView shape files from USGS, there is XML metadata associated with those files. Now I create a map in ArcMap from the shape files, then paste the map into a word document. An application should be able to track and document the various steps I used, generate bibliographic information and citation AUTOMATICALLY. Or perhaps i am viewing an academic paper, why isn't there an application that identify and grab author/title/publication automatically? It could be a lot like Google Desktop, except it would grab and document sources, etc. It could index them, etc.

Seems like there would be a huge benefit to everyone if something like this existed.

Cyborg?

2007-03-05T21:18:00.000-06:00

well...... into the term paper i dive. Its 2007, is our (human) ontology "cyborg?"

Perhaps. At least in the West it is. All i need to do now is figure out what posthumanism and transhumanism are.

That should be pretty easy, right?

Anyways.... rock on.

1984-09-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

We should probably apologize.

-Philip's parents