a shell of my former shell

not being in a relationship has given me a lot of time to look into myself, introspection if you will. i'm really not happy with what i've found, which is nothing. void. there is nothing to me. everything about me is contextual. it could be argued that's society, that's all humans. but i feel like maybe thats not true. i used to reach out, a lot. but then it just feels like i am being used. i feel cheated and pushed aside, and the only agenda the other party has is their own enjoyment. sometimes i am that other party it would seem. and this is my life. a series of missed connections or one-sided ones. its not one train wreck after another, more like a constant needing to repair the infrastructure and the occasional low-speed, small-car-count derailment with minimal casualties when the repairs weren't up to snuff.

what the fuck is that? thats no way to look at life. ok. so life is a gift. a beautiful gleaming shiny turd from god. great. its pretty clear that I am insignificant. its pretty clear that most everything's meaning is only derived from norms and conditions. everything is memetic, no one is anybody. well that's pretty reductionist, isn't it? yes, yes it is. but prove me wrong. show me. anybody show me whats the fucking point of a sunset or raindrop or Model T Ford. To what end will this continue?

seems like there's just nothing to me any more. having nearly accomplished everything an adult is supposed to do in life, I feel empty. this is the part where you guys say, "get a hobby, Phil."

fuck that.

What am I supposed to do? Exercise? Take care of myself? Why. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't care what you think I look like or how healthy you think I am. It is becoming increasingly apparently I am beginning not to care for myself. I just want to be lazy and do nothing. Its not that I'm being directly neglectful of myself, but I just don't know what to do in life anymore. It seems so pointless.

I don't want to volunteer, I've never gained satisfaction from helping complete strangers. I don't have any passion or causes to fight for, unless "sitting around not doing anything" needs some sort of boost, because you know, I could really get the word out on that one. Hey guys, stop what you're doing and just sit around. Shut. Down. Everything.

well. I don't know. I take pride in my work, I suppose. But that only gets me so far. What do I do at the end of the day? Bitch and moan. Whine and complain. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at.

i remember back to spring of 2008. I remember a bright future, a promise in the distance. A hope. A warm sun on a soft face. A life full of life. A LEGO model torn asunder and rebuilt as a triumphant phoenix. Evangeline. a small victory. where are my small victories now?

long overdue rant of self-evaluation.

Status Report:

Work:
I've been working as Quality Assurance Engineer for over a year now. I like the job. I do. It always seems to be the people that get me. Always. Things that upset me the most are other people. Always. Seriously, how fucking hard is it to shower every other day. Look, I understand, maybe you're allergic to deodorant or whatever, but seriously, man, you fuckin' smell terrible. And it makes me uncomfortable. Ugh. I feel so agitated by this.

I wish I was able to do something else in the company. I really want this to be my long-term career employer. I'd like to move into UX/IA... but I don't really know much. I find I lack the motivation to take on personal projects or independent study regarding advancing myself in UX, because its such a specialized skill. What would I do? Go make random wireframes? Do user persona testing and creation for the hell of it? I don't know what to do. I was really banking on an internal "intern" position in UX, but I brought nothing to the table. I had things to bring to the table, but I didn't know how to present them. Whatever. I'm sure I'll get something sorted out here eventually. In the mean time I'm just doing what I do, and loving it.

Friends/social life:
Today I realized something. Most of my friends and people I hang out with and socialize the most are people I've known since I was very young, or for many years. This can be a challenge to people that are shy who are uncomfortable in the context of what at first appears to be a tightly knit group of people. I haven't defaulted on the friend's I choose to spend time with. I suppose realizing this challenge, I often find that I distance myself my from my friends, for fear of their rejection of new people I meet. Maybe I need to reevaluate things.

I want to meet my other. I want to meet someone amazing. I want to meet someone who understands me. I want to meet someone I can understand. I want connection. Look at this long list of things I want.

I in no way find this selfish. I don't even feel entitled to meeting someone like this. Well, I do, but I counter that with pseudo-statistics about how the perfect matches are anomalous. I hate meeting people in bars. I hate knowing that most of my friends aim is not to find a relationship, they are already in one or just want to fuck.

I don't know. I'm sick of that. I feel like I am over that. I don't know what to do. I don't want to compromise. I don't know what steps to take to move forward on this one. I have crippling anxiety/shyness sometimes.

Hobbies/freetime:
I need to exercise more. I have a big camping trip coming up at the end of June. I am going to start walking and jogging amongst other exercise to get ready for a 5 day BWCA trip. It'll be different, I'm pretty excited and a little nervous. I feel like this trip will be a good opportunity to do something different. To be out in the wilderness. Roughing it. Sometimes, I have my reservations about the company I will be in, namely my dad, but we'll see. He's generally good people, I just don't know what to expect spending 5 days straight with him, his friend and his friend's son. I've met all of them before, and we get a long well enough, I had last thanksgiving dinner with them.

I've been spending way too much time playing videogames again. I just love videogames, though. C'est la vie.

Things I need to get done:
I got this totally bullshit traffic violation in that suburban waste of space called Apple Valley. I guess the police there are bored to tears, and instead of pulling over drunk drivers, would quicker pull over fast food patrons in private property for taking short cuts into parking lots. Seriously? Whatever.

Anyway I need to get photos of the scene of the citation and compile a defense for this ticket. I hope to leave court with just court fees. If I end up having to pay in more than the citation was originally for, I will be a less than happy camper.

been a while...

it seems i am lacking an decent outlet for my anger as of late. today, i kind of flipped out at the guys at the sprint store, because i had bought a phone and plan, and it cost me $179... literally two days later, i see the exact same phone and plan for $99 at best buy. that's $80 difference.

before i went to the sprint store, i went to best buy mobile in the mall, to see if i could indeed get the same deal, first acting as if i wanted to buy a new plan and hadn't already blundered. i thought opening the conversation up with "so i hear you guys offer mall employees a discount" would be a good ice breaker, you know, expecting the response "oh yeah, where do you work?"

no, the guy got all defensive and immediately went to robot mode. fuck. this is why i couldn't be a con-man. this is why i would make a poor spy. i place my own trust in the wrong type of people. this is why i can't be an actor. this is why i can't become the president.

he first asked what I was looking for. ok. this guy isn't a salesman. my plan here was ruined. i couldn't get any straight answers from the guy, so i decided to let my guard down and appeal to him as the victim. "look, here's my problem, i already bought the phone, i came down here to see if i could get the same offers and waives as i did upstairs at the sprint store." this guy obviously wasn't on commission and had nothing to lose and only karma to gain for helping me out. no, turns out he was too fucking stupid to be of any help.

this guy was like "well, good luck." thanks. wait no. fuck you. you see at this point, i now knew what the cover-my-ass story was going to be from the guy at the sprint store. so i couldn't use the fact that i went down there and was offered the same deal to level with the sprint store guy--at least not in round one. he's probably been down there, he's probably met this robot best buy guy, and already has a case built against them.

so, i had to make some assumptions here. assumptions that had i went to best buy mobile, i wouldn't be offered the waived fees, i'd have to fight for them. fine, i can do that. i had to tell myself i could have got the mall discount, which i could have. i would have had to take the role of salesman if went to best buy mobile. knowing that, yes, $80 is worth the effort i would have put forward to get the same service as i did at sprint mobile. i have to keep this in mind. but its tough when you're angry.

i then i went to love from minnesota, to possibly seek council from whoever was working there, to get a guy in my ring, to get some back-up and justification after being dashed at best buy mobile. i had to regroup. i made them aware of my situation. one of them was helpful, one was not.

i was livid. absolutely livid. and for the record, if you ever encounter me when i am angry or upset about something i find unjust in this world, and then you tell me "i told you so," you've pretty much made my shit list. don't ever give me after-the-fact advice. the last thing i need to hear is something i didn't consider. its an insult to my ego. don't insult an angry man's ego.

its a bad start, and i haven't even made it to the sprint store yet to see if i had a case. so, somewhat already defeated, i went there. i waited for the the guy that sold me the phone, he was with other customers. i thought out of respect, i would let him finish up. that was in vain. He gave a sorry cover-my-ass story; bullet-pointing why sprint store was the superior choice and attempting to justify the $80 difference by all the great service he gave me. right then and there i wanted to punch the guy in the face. but i took it like a yes-man, i was flabbergasted, he wasn't going to level with me. i felt even more cheated now. and i left VERY bitter. i wasn't prepared for this at all. well, i was, just i hadn't expected to turn to shit so fast, i honestly thought my first try was going to succeed and i could get a $80 credit applied to my first bill, or at least thrown a bone.

i was prepared to return the entire deal and take the $35 hit for the restock fee. its a matter of principle at this point. i was cheated out of $80. i was signed up for something (phone insurance) i didn't even ask for, nor was even told about as an option--though i was going to let that slide on account that i would be getting a monthly discount.

i went back to the car to grab the materials i needed to make the return. i stopped off again at love from minnesota to regroup. i had to repackage my phone in the box and get everything in order. i was ready to lose it at the sprint store. i was ready to tell them not only had they lost one customer, me, but they had lost well over five, and everyone i know would hear about this, and they would be shit out of luck. i was ready to talk to every customer in the sprint store and tell them best buy mobile had better deals and undermine their entire operation that day. i was ready to "accidentally" spill a 32 oz fruit punch from taco bell all over their $500 smart phones--that or their fancy ass dress shoes, depending on how personal they wanted to be now... fucking salesmen.

i was betting on their training. i hoped as padawan learners, the sprint obi-wan taught salesmen the ways of the force, and how to diffuse a situation. it was a safe bet, because at the end of the day, all i had to lose was $35 and a phone for a few days. what i had to gain was standing up for a principle, and gaining the freedom of knowing that justice prevailed and i would not be cheated. i could sleep at night.

i have been pushed around enough by salesmen. its a double edged sword. people want to be sold on things. i know i want to be sold to, because then i assume less responsibility for the decision. but salesmen walk the fine line of selling to people, and taking them for a ride. maybe my definition of being "taken for a ride" differs from the employees at sprint because when I went back in there after leaving bitter and told them I want to return it all and they ask what's wrong and tell them i was "taken for a ride" they were offended.

well maybe they should be. i guess as a salesman, you have to live in denial, because often comes a time where you have to first sell yourself. that's why i can't be a salesman, i could never self myself the lies even the white ones. i couldn't sleep at night.

at this point i showed them the actual signage that i lifted from best buy and had now taped to my envelope with all my receipts in it.

after being talked down from my taken-for-a-ride-spiel, finally i was making some progress. i told them i wanted $80 credit, the difference between the prices, but i was willing to settle for $45, the difference minus the $35 restocking fee if that's what i had to do. i stood there as the manager or sales lead or whatever this guy is, talked to district manager to get approval. guaranteed $50, request for $80. i was happy. i was apologetic, because as the rage subsided, i realized these guys are just like me. they want to make a buck so they can take their girl out to nice places and wear nice shoes. they want to sleep at night just like me. i said sorry like 10 times before leaving the store. victory was bittersweet. but it was worth it.

somewhere else.

if you could be anything you want i'd bet you'd be disappointed am i right?

I think back to times in the past. It seems the extremes are easiest to remember. The awesome and the terrible... and the terribly awesome. There are the times when I wonder "what was I thinking?" or "why wasn't I thinking..."

I think of things I wish I could forget. I had hoped with time their meaning would fade. But just the opposite happens. Sometimes I wish I never did such extreme things... "For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return."

But there are some places you can never go back to. And why would I want to?

I am 25 years old and I am already longing to be young again? I'm not even old. Why am I lamenting over a life not yet lived? Something is very wrong here.

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